#26 Mowing the Lawn

One of the Manliest smells in the world is the combination of fresh cut grass and gasoline. Recent studies at Harvard and Yale have determined that this aroma mixture actually increases the chemical balance of testosterone in any Man lucky enough to smell it. Mowing the lawn is a timeless Mantivity, dating back to the era of caveMen, when maintaining a neatly trimmed front-lawn let ferocious animals know that a Man resided in that cave. These creatures understood that they risked certain-death by attempting to settle in a Man’s cave.

Today, mowing the lawn is a simpler task. At least once a week, usually on Saturday, a Man should head out to his garage and fire up his 2-cycle, gasoline-engine mower and take care of his yard. Using a riding mower is only Manly if the lawn is over one acre in size. Beware of any electrical mower, which, unless it’s solar powered, requires the use of extension cords and is thus practically vacuuming. This is inappropriate and unManly. A Man’s first lawn mower is important and should be passed down from father to son around the age of 13, when a Man-in-training assumes his father’s lawn mowing duties, usually for about two dollars an hour, the minimum wage in Mississippi.

Obviously, there are Men who aren’t lucky enough to have a lawn because they live in urban areas, in deserts, or on aircraft carriers. Yet these Men undoubtedly understand the Manly nature of mowing the lawn. Women think it smells bad, it is conducted outdoors, and it burns a fossil fuel. Mowing the lawn earns a 3.2 Mantivity score. The score decreases for using the environmentally friendly push mower, a vacuum-style electric mower, or a riding mower for less than one acre (note: serious bonus points for using a Machete. Or a Chainsaw). Next time you see a Man mowing a lawn, be sure to give him a nod of recognition. Nothing more is required to celebrate the Mantivity you both know he is undertaking.

#25 Bushwhacking

Ever been lost in the Adirondacks, with nighttime rapidly approaching? Ever found yourself tracking a black Rhino in sub-Saharan Africa? Ever been in the Marines, following a band of Communist spies? If you have answered yes to any of these questions, than you have surely been Bushwhacking.

Bushwhacking is what Men do when they are surrounded by obnoxious and prickly branches, leaves, and thorns. Before the invention of bicycles, cars, and Silverados, bushwhacking was the next step up for transportation, after walking. In the modern age, however, a Man bushwhacks not out of choice, but out of necessity - because the bush lies between the Man and his objective, whether it be the Viet Kong, a nearly extinct species, or a large batch of treasure. Upon realizing that bushwhacking is his only option, the Man will whip out his machete and begin swinging like his first name is Tiger.

More often than not, 10 minutes into an episode of bushwhacking, a Man will begin to sweat profusely, causing him to rip off his shirt sleeves for use as bandannas, and attracting an abnormal amount of mosquitoes. He should end up looking something like Rambo. When he returns from bushwhacking, the Man will smell like a pack of coyotes, and he should have numerous cuts across legs, arms, and face.

The Mantivity score for several hours of hardcore bushwhacking in the described manner is 3.7. Of course, bushwhacking is often just a piece of another Mantivity, so a lot depends on the reason for the bushwhacking. But trust me, if you are doing this, you can bet the farm that your score is really high.

#24 Packing a Car

Every once in awhile, a Man has to re-locate. He has to take his furniture, TV, and other valuable possessions and find a way to move them while incurring the least amount of financial damage. This is best achieved by using the pick-up truck or SUV the Man undoubtedly owns. If he does not have this type of vehicle, the Man needs to first allow his gonads to drop, and then afterwards, he will have to borrow the proper vehicle from a Manly friend.

Before moving day, the Man should ask another Manly friend to assist him in the process, as he will also undoubtedly own a heinously large television, which will require at least two Men to move. The most important part of the moving process is cramming as much of the Man’s belongings into the vehicle. The packing of the vehicle must use space with extreme efficiency, and it must involve a two-Man deliberation over the packing-strategy. As with all Mantivity discussions, non-chalance and grunting are paramount.

Packing the car is also important for road trips. It is the duty of the Man in the family to be able to jam the car to the brim with all the useless crap that the women are bringing along, and then still be able to fit the awesome gift they picked up on the vacation. The packing situation should always look grim and the Man should always prevail, using his icy determination and a simple re-organization strategy that more effectively uses the inches of space left. Also, the Man’s dog should not be locked in his kennel and then tied down to the roof.

The Mantivity score for packing a vehicle with uncanny efficiency and the appropriate level of packing-strategy discussion is a 3.4. Obviously, the score is lower if aspects of this Mantivity are omitted or if unManly items are packed in the vehicle. Bonus points if rope or bungee cords are used to strap stuff down.

#23 Owning a Lazy Boy

When it comes time, at the end of a long day of work, for a Man to relax and enjoy a cold beverage and a hot meal, a Lazy Boy is, quite simply, the premier option for Manly unwinding. Womenfolk are often confused by a Man’s insistence on owning a chair that extends so as to nearly become a bed – why not get a couch, or a chair with an ottoman? - they ask. But they do not understand.

The Lazy Boy, is, in fact, an ancient relative of the royal throne. Like a big chair made out of gold, a Lazy Boy makes a man feel as if the world is at his feet. In fact, when he pulls the lever, his feet and the world are actually several inches apart, but really, this doesn’t matter. A Man in a Lazy Boy needs not think about his feet, as they are probably taken care of.

Besides being a Man’s evening tabernacle, the Lazy Boy also serves another important purpose. When game day comes around, a Man’s status is sharply elevated as soon as his friends see him in his Lazy Boy. It is the only thing in the room that might get more attention than his 8 foot flat screen television, as his friends will immediately want to test the comfort of the Lazy Boy. Upon sitting in it they will make a sound halfway between a “wow” and an “ahhh.” This essentially means “your Lazy Boy is very comfortable. I think I will talk to my significant other about the acquisition of a similar product.”

The Mantivity score for owning a Lazy Boy ranges from 2.9-3.2. You will be able to tell when you are in the store which chairs will grab the highest scores (hint, they have built in coolers). Go get ‘em.

#22 Speaking Over the Intercom

“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain speaking.” Almost all of us have experienced this moment; the moment a Man, using one of the most explosive substances on the planet, flies a 34 ton piece of aluminum, 35,000 feet above the ground, and tells us about it with an icy cool. Few Men get the opportunity to come over an intercom system, but when that chance arrives, they should know they are in good company.

Manly uses of an intercom system include a pilot on commercial airlines, a stadium announcer at a sporting event, and inspiring speeches right before the largest aerial battle in the history of Mankind. The proper etiquette for intercom use is paramount, as improper use can result in the disintegration of the Mantivity status associated with this activity. Men should have a natural non-chalance and confidence in their voice that both relaxes those in its range yet inspires them to believe. Men shall not use the intercom with seriously varying levels of vocal inflection, nor shall they be anything but short and to the point; talking to much over the intercom detracts from the overall Mantivity rating.

A man comes over an intercom and says “the local time is 3:52 in the afternoon, temperature is 42 degrees; we hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago”, or “eight yards gained on the play, first down”. If the Man adheres to proper etiquette then the Mantivity rating for speaking over the intercom is 3.2. Men should be wary of saying unManly things when using an intercom, they become exponentially more public and thus, even more unManly. Do not, under any circumstances, sing Sir Mix-a-lot over the intercom, for this is childish and rude.

#21 Wearing a Hat

The hat was original developed by the Spartans as a tool of warfare – a protective piece of metal that slid over the head. The Spartans quickly recognized the obvious Manliness of this device, and began to wear it in social and professional settings. Soon afterwards, the Athenians caught on and started doing it too. It later traveled to the Ottoman Empire in 1,230 BC, and the rest is history. Today, hats come in all sorts of shapes, colors, and sizes. The manliest forms, of course, are those used in the military and in construction. However, these cannot really be worn except for when doing one of these jobs, so I will shift focus to two of the more common types of hats: “baseball” hats, and stocking caps.

Baseball hats were originally made so that baseball players could keep the sun out of their eyes. They still serve that same purpose, but now they do it for everyone, even those who obviously don’t play baseball. They also help Men show support for their favorite cause (a baseball/football team or a college).

Stocking caps keep a Man’s head warm. This is important because a Man’s brain is usually in his head, and needs to be kept warm. Stocking caps derive their Manliness from their presence in stocking yards, prisons, robberies, and old school rap videos. Subconsciously, whenever anyone sees a Man in a stocking cap, they think of one of these things.

Other types of Manly hats include: cowboy hats (note: most people look stupid in a cowboy hat, so be careful), pilot hats (if you’re a pilot), beer helmets (if you’re in college or at a football game), and more. As you can tell, most are circumstantial, and there are many, many things people put on their head that aren’t Manly hats, so be careful. The Mantivity score for wearing an appropriate hat is 2.3.

Profiles in Manliness: Abraham Lincoln

“Profiles in Manliness” is a special feature in which we celebrate some of the Manliest members of society.

It is almost certain that were he alive today, Abraham Lincoln would not stand a chance of becoming president. His humble beginnings, his unfailing honesty, and his horrific sense of style all ensure that he would have no place in the modern world of politics. That, however, does not change this indisputable fact: Abraham Lincoln is one of the Manliest Men ever to walk earth.

Abe’s childhood began in a single room log cabin. It consisted of hard manual labor, wrestling with bulls, and a lot of books, which he taught himself to read by slamming them against his forehead. This is a Manly start; few Men-in-training are skilled with an axe by the age of 12. During this time, Abe reached his Manly stature - in today’s measurements, he would be about 7’8”, slightly taller than this creature. Using historical documents, Abe has been diagnosed as clinically depressed for a majority of his lifetime.

In 1860, Abraham Lincoln was elected to the presidency of the United States of America. This will be explained more thoroughly in a future post, but being the President is a fairly high-scoring Mantivity, as a result of the patriotism and testosterone needed to achieve that office. When Abe took the wheel, the nation was bitterly divided. Faced with self-absorbed politicians, alcoholic generals, and a grumpy wife, Abe was a true leader and held the country together with his own two hands. He did all this despite the presence of a grizzly and intimidating beard on his face.

As president, Abraham Lincoln set America on the course to end slavery (Mantivity); he delivered speeches that would define a nation (Mantivity), and shortly after being re-elected for a second term, Abe was assassinated. The combination of a lifetime of Manly service, an unmatched knowledge of axe handling technique, and a heroic and tragic death make Abe Lincoln a Man for the ages. President Lincoln, we salute you.

#20 Being a Father

A great deal of Men feel compelled to further the code of Manliness by bringing a child into the world. We suggest a Man-in-training for the first born. We do not in anyway believe that raising a daughter is any less rewarding or less Manly. However, by having the Man-in-training first, over 50% of the father’s duties are assumed by the Man-in-Training at the age of sixteen. Some of those passed on duties include: lawn mowing, undertaking elementary Man-projects, and threatening violence towards the boyfriends of younger females in the family.

Fatherhood requires patience, dedication, and the ability to teach and pass on family customs of Manliness. These traditions vary, but they range from dress-code to grilling techniques, from how to pee standing up to when and how to get into a fight. While things like instruction on the best way to tie a knot are important, teaching is only half the battle. The direct role the father plays in his child’s life is equally paramount.

With daughters, fathers should encourage the pursuit of whatever the girl has an interest in, be it sports, art, music, scholastic pursuits, or interior design. With Men-in-training, fathers should accept their son’s choices, but particularly celebrate the pursuit of athletics, especially with Manly sports (ie football, hockey, etc).

An effective way to do this is by being the coach of the Man-in-training’s 5th grade team. There is almost no limit to how seriously the father can take his position as coach, including demanding that his son refer to him as coach during the season regardless of circumstances. If the Man is not the coach, he must be a loyal and knowledgeable fan, perhaps unofficially assuming the position of assistant coach for games. Note: Using the “coach” technique to encourage sports for a daughter is equally effective.

Quality fathering scores a 3.4 on the Mantivity rating system. The score is dependent upon the caliber of the child at the age of 18, the capacity of the child to father when their time comes, and how whole-heartedly the child believes his dad was a Jedi Knight earlier in life.

#19 Gaining Altitude

From birth, it is Man’s natural instinct to be higher than he is at the moment, and higher than all those around him. Anyone with male children can testify to boys’ insatiable desire to climb things – boulders, ladders, trees, large animals. As these boys become Men, their desire to gain altitude is refined, and reflected in more ambitious and difficult altitude-gaining Mantivities.

The most obvious of these is mountain climbing. Although not all Men are interested in mountain climbing, every Man at some point dreams of standing on top of a mountain and shouting something victorious, or perhaps urinating. Of course, the ultimate feat of altitude gaining is the climbing of Mount Everest – successfully completing this Mantivity puts a Man at near immortal status (the Mantivity score is 4.7, 4.9 if done without oxygen).

Another example of Men gaining altitude occurs in the corporate world. Here, we see the creation of large towers, whose sole purpose is to provide Men with the opportunity to gain altitude (The Male species is the only one capable of this). Once the towers are built, the highest offices with the most majestic views are taken by the most successful and powerful Men. Indeed, it is often said that a Man’s success can be judged by the size of his salaryaltitude of his office.

The list goes on, and some of these will be touched on in future posts (being a pilot, slam-dunking, being an astronaut), but before concluding this discussion, it is important to understand why Men want to gain altitude. The answer stems from the ancient times, when kings and emperors built their castles on the highest possible point, so as to make them safe from attack, and to intimidate the peasants in the valley below. Every Man secretly yearns to be a King, and Man’s desire to gain altitude stems from this ancient impulse. The Mantivity score for gaining altitude literally ranges from 0.1 to 4.9, as there are almost infinite ways to do this. Be creative!

Update: Boone pointed out to me that the third paragraph implies that a Man’s success is related to his salary. This is true only in the context of the business world. A Man’s overall success (read, Manliness) is judged by a much more extensive and complex criterion, ie has he or has he not ever killed a lion with his bare hands.

#18 Flyfishing

It takes a special kind of fisherMan to fly-fish. It requires patience, precision, and vigilance. Fly fishing sometimes takes countless hours and a great deal of accurate casts to finally land a bite, but it is at that moment, when a Man proves his worth. Some people would call fly fishing boring. These people are idiots.

Fly rods are incredibly responsive pieces of equipment that require exact strength at the moment when the 300 pound steelhead hits the lure. Fly fishing typically takes place in shallow rivers such as this, though some fly fishing equipment can be used in offshore fishing (future post). Common targets of a fly fisherMen are trout, salmon, and various forms of bass. First invented 1.2 million years ago, fly-fishing is one of the most ancient forms of Man-fishing, second only to standing right above waterfalls and just clawing the SOBs out of the air, like polar bears do. Flyfishing is almost always passed down from father (Man) to son (Man). It is from a Man’s father that he learns how to properly wear ugly vests with pockets full of man-tools, necessary fly fishing attire.

Fly fishing earns a 2.8 Mantivity score. Of course, this is a bottomline assessment and it can only rise with location, target fish, and with any acrobatic feats required for the landing of the fish. Serious bonus points are earned when a Man guts, grills, and eats the fish that he catches.