#23 Owning a Lazy Boy

When it comes time, at the end of a long day of work, for a Man to relax and enjoy a cold beverage and a hot meal, a Lazy Boy is, quite simply, the premier option for Manly unwinding. Womenfolk are often confused by a Man’s insistence on owning a chair that extends so as to nearly become a bed – why not get a couch, or a chair with an ottoman? - they ask. But they do not understand.

The Lazy Boy, is, in fact, an ancient relative of the royal throne. Like a big chair made out of gold, a Lazy Boy makes a man feel as if the world is at his feet. In fact, when he pulls the lever, his feet and the world are actually several inches apart, but really, this doesn’t matter. A Man in a Lazy Boy needs not think about his feet, as they are probably taken care of.

Besides being a Man’s evening tabernacle, the Lazy Boy also serves another important purpose. When game day comes around, a Man’s status is sharply elevated as soon as his friends see him in his Lazy Boy. It is the only thing in the room that might get more attention than his 8 foot flat screen television, as his friends will immediately want to test the comfort of the Lazy Boy. Upon sitting in it they will make a sound halfway between a “wow” and an “ahhh.” This essentially means “your Lazy Boy is very comfortable. I think I will talk to my significant other about the acquisition of a similar product.”

The Mantivity score for owning a Lazy Boy ranges from 2.9-3.2. You will be able to tell when you are in the store which chairs will grab the highest scores (hint, they have built in coolers). Go get ‘em.

#22 Speaking Over the Intercom

“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain speaking.” Almost all of us have experienced this moment; the moment a Man, using one of the most explosive substances on the planet, flies a 34 ton piece of aluminum, 35,000 feet above the ground, and tells us about it with an icy cool. Few Men get the opportunity to come over an intercom system, but when that chance arrives, they should know they are in good company.

Manly uses of an intercom system include a pilot on commercial airlines, a stadium announcer at a sporting event, and inspiring speeches right before the largest aerial battle in the history of Mankind. The proper etiquette for intercom use is paramount, as improper use can result in the disintegration of the Mantivity status associated with this activity. Men should have a natural non-chalance and confidence in their voice that both relaxes those in its range yet inspires them to believe. Men shall not use the intercom with seriously varying levels of vocal inflection, nor shall they be anything but short and to the point; talking to much over the intercom detracts from the overall Mantivity rating.

A man comes over an intercom and says “the local time is 3:52 in the afternoon, temperature is 42 degrees; we hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago”, or “eight yards gained on the play, first down”. If the Man adheres to proper etiquette then the Mantivity rating for speaking over the intercom is 3.2. Men should be wary of saying unManly things when using an intercom, they become exponentially more public and thus, even more unManly. Do not, under any circumstances, sing Sir Mix-a-lot over the intercom, for this is childish and rude.

#21 Wearing a Hat

The hat was original developed by the Spartans as a tool of warfare – a protective piece of metal that slid over the head. The Spartans quickly recognized the obvious Manliness of this device, and began to wear it in social and professional settings. Soon afterwards, the Athenians caught on and started doing it too. It later traveled to the Ottoman Empire in 1,230 BC, and the rest is history. Today, hats come in all sorts of shapes, colors, and sizes. The manliest forms, of course, are those used in the military and in construction. However, these cannot really be worn except for when doing one of these jobs, so I will shift focus to two of the more common types of hats: “baseball” hats, and stocking caps.

Baseball hats were originally made so that baseball players could keep the sun out of their eyes. They still serve that same purpose, but now they do it for everyone, even those who obviously don’t play baseball. They also help Men show support for their favorite cause (a baseball/football team or a college).

Stocking caps keep a Man’s head warm. This is important because a Man’s brain is usually in his head, and needs to be kept warm. Stocking caps derive their Manliness from their presence in stocking yards, prisons, robberies, and old school rap videos. Subconsciously, whenever anyone sees a Man in a stocking cap, they think of one of these things.

Other types of Manly hats include: cowboy hats (note: most people look stupid in a cowboy hat, so be careful), pilot hats (if you’re a pilot), beer helmets (if you’re in college or at a football game), and more. As you can tell, most are circumstantial, and there are many, many things people put on their head that aren’t Manly hats, so be careful. The Mantivity score for wearing an appropriate hat is 2.3.

Profiles in Manliness: Abraham Lincoln

“Profiles in Manliness” is a special feature in which we celebrate some of the Manliest members of society.

It is almost certain that were he alive today, Abraham Lincoln would not stand a chance of becoming president. His humble beginnings, his unfailing honesty, and his horrific sense of style all ensure that he would have no place in the modern world of politics. That, however, does not change this indisputable fact: Abraham Lincoln is one of the Manliest Men ever to walk earth.

Abe’s childhood began in a single room log cabin. It consisted of hard manual labor, wrestling with bulls, and a lot of books, which he taught himself to read by slamming them against his forehead. This is a Manly start; few Men-in-training are skilled with an axe by the age of 12. During this time, Abe reached his Manly stature - in today’s measurements, he would be about 7’8”, slightly taller than this creature. Using historical documents, Abe has been diagnosed as clinically depressed for a majority of his lifetime.

In 1860, Abraham Lincoln was elected to the presidency of the United States of America. This will be explained more thoroughly in a future post, but being the President is a fairly high-scoring Mantivity, as a result of the patriotism and testosterone needed to achieve that office. When Abe took the wheel, the nation was bitterly divided. Faced with self-absorbed politicians, alcoholic generals, and a grumpy wife, Abe was a true leader and held the country together with his own two hands. He did all this despite the presence of a grizzly and intimidating beard on his face.

As president, Abraham Lincoln set America on the course to end slavery (Mantivity); he delivered speeches that would define a nation (Mantivity), and shortly after being re-elected for a second term, Abe was assassinated. The combination of a lifetime of Manly service, an unmatched knowledge of axe handling technique, and a heroic and tragic death make Abe Lincoln a Man for the ages. President Lincoln, we salute you.

#20 Being a Father

A great deal of Men feel compelled to further the code of Manliness by bringing a child into the world. We suggest a Man-in-training for the first born. We do not in anyway believe that raising a daughter is any less rewarding or less Manly. However, by having the Man-in-training first, over 50% of the father’s duties are assumed by the Man-in-Training at the age of sixteen. Some of those passed on duties include: lawn mowing, undertaking elementary Man-projects, and threatening violence towards the boyfriends of younger females in the family.

Fatherhood requires patience, dedication, and the ability to teach and pass on family customs of Manliness. These traditions vary, but they range from dress-code to grilling techniques, from how to pee standing up to when and how to get into a fight. While things like instruction on the best way to tie a knot are important, teaching is only half the battle. The direct role the father plays in his child’s life is equally paramount.

With daughters, fathers should encourage the pursuit of whatever the girl has an interest in, be it sports, art, music, scholastic pursuits, or interior design. With Men-in-training, fathers should accept their son’s choices, but particularly celebrate the pursuit of athletics, especially with Manly sports (ie football, hockey, etc).

An effective way to do this is by being the coach of the Man-in-training’s 5th grade team. There is almost no limit to how seriously the father can take his position as coach, including demanding that his son refer to him as coach during the season regardless of circumstances. If the Man is not the coach, he must be a loyal and knowledgeable fan, perhaps unofficially assuming the position of assistant coach for games. Note: Using the “coach” technique to encourage sports for a daughter is equally effective.

Quality fathering scores a 3.4 on the Mantivity rating system. The score is dependent upon the caliber of the child at the age of 18, the capacity of the child to father when their time comes, and how whole-heartedly the child believes his dad was a Jedi Knight earlier in life.

#19 Gaining Altitude

From birth, it is Man’s natural instinct to be higher than he is at the moment, and higher than all those around him. Anyone with male children can testify to boys’ insatiable desire to climb things – boulders, ladders, trees, large animals. As these boys become Men, their desire to gain altitude is refined, and reflected in more ambitious and difficult altitude-gaining Mantivities.

The most obvious of these is mountain climbing. Although not all Men are interested in mountain climbing, every Man at some point dreams of standing on top of a mountain and shouting something victorious, or perhaps urinating. Of course, the ultimate feat of altitude gaining is the climbing of Mount Everest – successfully completing this Mantivity puts a Man at near immortal status (the Mantivity score is 4.7, 4.9 if done without oxygen).

Another example of Men gaining altitude occurs in the corporate world. Here, we see the creation of large towers, whose sole purpose is to provide Men with the opportunity to gain altitude (The Male species is the only one capable of this). Once the towers are built, the highest offices with the most majestic views are taken by the most successful and powerful Men. Indeed, it is often said that a Man’s success can be judged by the size of his salaryaltitude of his office.

The list goes on, and some of these will be touched on in future posts (being a pilot, slam-dunking, being an astronaut), but before concluding this discussion, it is important to understand why Men want to gain altitude. The answer stems from the ancient times, when kings and emperors built their castles on the highest possible point, so as to make them safe from attack, and to intimidate the peasants in the valley below. Every Man secretly yearns to be a King, and Man’s desire to gain altitude stems from this ancient impulse. The Mantivity score for gaining altitude literally ranges from 0.1 to 4.9, as there are almost infinite ways to do this. Be creative!

Update: Boone pointed out to me that the third paragraph implies that a Man’s success is related to his salary. This is true only in the context of the business world. A Man’s overall success (read, Manliness) is judged by a much more extensive and complex criterion, ie has he or has he not ever killed a lion with his bare hands.

#18 Flyfishing

It takes a special kind of fisherMan to fly-fish. It requires patience, precision, and vigilance. Fly fishing sometimes takes countless hours and a great deal of accurate casts to finally land a bite, but it is at that moment, when a Man proves his worth. Some people would call fly fishing boring. These people are idiots.

Fly rods are incredibly responsive pieces of equipment that require exact strength at the moment when the 300 pound steelhead hits the lure. Fly fishing typically takes place in shallow rivers such as this, though some fly fishing equipment can be used in offshore fishing (future post). Common targets of a fly fisherMen are trout, salmon, and various forms of bass. First invented 1.2 million years ago, fly-fishing is one of the most ancient forms of Man-fishing, second only to standing right above waterfalls and just clawing the SOBs out of the air, like polar bears do. Flyfishing is almost always passed down from father (Man) to son (Man). It is from a Man’s father that he learns how to properly wear ugly vests with pockets full of man-tools, necessary fly fishing attire.

Fly fishing earns a 2.8 Mantivity score. Of course, this is a bottomline assessment and it can only rise with location, target fish, and with any acrobatic feats required for the landing of the fish. Serious bonus points are earned when a Man guts, grills, and eats the fish that he catches.

#17 Chainsawing

This is a situation that every Man faces at some point in life: you are driving down a road in the forest, perhaps searching for goldbeer, when you come across a fallen tree that has blocked the pathway. At this point, a Man has three options. He can: A) Give up, and return to his lame, beerless life B) build a ramp, and attempt to jump the tree, or C) Chainsaw.

Of course, a Man will choose option C eleven times out of twelve (and he will die in a horrible tree jumping accident one time out of twelve). By doing this, he can continue his search for beer, impress the girls in the back of his Silverado, and, most importantly, complete a kick ass Mantivity. Chainsawing is the pinnacle of Manly ruggedness; its usage is both violent and beautiful, for while a Man can use it to destroy, he can also use it to create. The noise it emits, while violent and frightening to the typical ear, is glorious music to a Man (See Dupre, Jesse James, of Jackyl).

Using a chainsaw is, of course, dangerous. A wrong cut can lead to lost limbs and other horrible accidents. As a general rule for any Manitvity, danger only increases the Mantivity score, and in this case, it also adds an element of excitement to the chainsawing excursion. Nonetheless, as not having limbs reduces the opportunities to be Manly, we recommend the following: that a Man make sure his saw is well oiled before usage, that the Man wears goggles, gloves, orange clothes, and a cup, and that he uses proper technique, especially when felling a tree.

The Mantivity score for chainsawing is 3.2 for a single chainsaw event, up to 3.7 for more extended usage, such as clearing large swaths of the untamed wilderness. Also, if a Man plays his cards right, he can end up chainsawing for a living, either as a lumberjack (future post), a park ranger (future post), a chainsaw artist, or a firefighter in the national forest service. These are obviously very Manly employment opportunities, and should be pursued with all possible fervor.

#16 Grilling

Incontrovertible Fact: cooking is not a Mantivity. The inclusion of an open fire, an outdoor environment, and certain types of equipment, however, make grilling a very different type of food creation than merely “cooking.” Grilling chiefly occurs in the backyard, at the campsite, and while tailgating.

The three major types of grilling are gas-fired, charcoal, and campfire. Each style can be used in a different way (indirect smoking, searing, etc), but for the most part, campfire grilling is the most Manly, using charcoal is the second most, and gas grills are the least Manly among the three. A Man’s grill and grilling equipment are critical for the execution of this Mantivity. Bonus points are earned when the Man has more than one grill, especially if they are of the same type (ie three charcoal grills of varying sizes).

The appropriate foods to be grilled are as follows: steaks, brats, hot dogs, polish sausage, italian sausage, sausage, brats, beef kabobs, lamb kabobs, ribs, warthogs, brats, chicken breasts, chickens, goats, hamburgers, buffalo, squirrel, venison, lamb chops, brats, jumbo shrimp, swordfish, trout, and alligator. Grilling vegetables is permitted, but only at the behest of a woman, who is somehow connected to the Man grilling. Preferably near the pelvis area.

The Mantivity score for using a gas grill is 2.7, using a charcoal is 2.8, and using a campfire flame is a 3.0. Men should be cautious of items that are labeled “grill”, but are actually agents of communism.

#15 Being the Coach

Have you ever seen a person alone on a football field on a hot summer day, and asked yourself what in God’s great glory would cause a person to run 50 yards back and forth until he throws up, has a heat stroke, and breaks his femur? Rhetorical question, the answer is obvious. The Coach.

Becoming a Coach instantly transforms a person into one of society’s most revered figures. The coach is a leader and an expert; a mentor and a tyrant. He always holds a clipboard, but never looks at it. He has a hat that is at least 50 years old. His wife is, surprisingly, really nice.

To be a coach, a Man must be capable of doing several things. He must be able to make other men cry – whether he does this through loads of shouting and cursing, or through subtle psychological attacks is the Man’s choice. He must be able to spit several times a minute. He must be able to convince everyone that he was once the greatest athlete alive, but was forced out by some unforeseen circumstance (ie gruesome injury, went to Nam).

Once a man becomes a coach, he is a new person. If his name was Richard Longbottom, he is no longer called Rich, Richard, or Mr. Longbottom, he is now Coach Dick or Coach L to everyone - even his wife. He must never smile (one exception.) He is also now prepared to answer any life question about anything, and usually with a story that includes his experience in the war, or the time he went up against Dick Butkus when he was at Illinois.

The Mantivity score for being a coach ranges depending on sport. The manliest sport to coach is Football, followed closely by hockey. The score for football is 3.1, 3.3 if your name includes a Manly animal species (Bear, Wolf, Lion).