#15 Being the Coach

Have you ever seen a person alone on a football field on a hot summer day, and asked yourself what in God’s great glory would cause a person to run 50 yards back and forth until he throws up, has a heat stroke, and breaks his femur? Rhetorical question, the answer is obvious. The Coach.

Becoming a Coach instantly transforms a person into one of society’s most revered figures. The coach is a leader and an expert; a mentor and a tyrant. He always holds a clipboard, but never looks at it. He has a hat that is at least 50 years old. His wife is, surprisingly, really nice.

To be a coach, a Man must be capable of doing several things. He must be able to make other men cry – whether he does this through loads of shouting and cursing, or through subtle psychological attacks is the Man’s choice. He must be able to spit several times a minute. He must be able to convince everyone that he was once the greatest athlete alive, but was forced out by some unforeseen circumstance (ie gruesome injury, went to Nam).

Once a man becomes a coach, he is a new person. If his name was Richard Longbottom, he is no longer called Rich, Richard, or Mr. Longbottom, he is now Coach Dick or Coach L to everyone – even his wife. He must never smile (one exception.) He is also now prepared to answer any life question about anything, and usually with a story that includes his experience in the war, or the time he went up against Dick Butkus when he was at Illinois.

The Mantivity score for being a coach ranges depending on sport. The manliest sport to coach is Football, followed closely by hockey. The score for football is 3.1, 3.3 if your name includes a Manly animal species (Bear, Wolf, Lion).