Profiles in Manliness: Abraham Lincoln

“Profiles in Manliness” is a special feature in which we celebrate some of the Manliest members of society.

It is almost certain that were he alive today, Abraham Lincoln would not stand a chance of becoming president. His humble beginnings, his unfailing honesty, and his horrific sense of style all ensure that he would have no place in the modern world of politics. That, however, does not change this indisputable fact: Abraham Lincoln is one of the Manliest Men ever to walk earth.

Abe’s childhood began in a single room log cabin. It consisted of hard manual labor, wrestling with bulls, and a lot of books, which he taught himself to read by slamming them against his forehead. This is a Manly start; few Men-in-training are skilled with an axe by the age of 12. During this time, Abe reached his Manly stature - in today’s measurements, he would be about 7’8”, slightly taller than this creature. Using historical documents, Abe has been diagnosed as clinically depressed for a majority of his lifetime.

In 1860, Abraham Lincoln was elected to the presidency of the United States of America. This will be explained more thoroughly in a future post, but being the President is a fairly high-scoring Mantivity, as a result of the patriotism and testosterone needed to achieve that office. When Abe took the wheel, the nation was bitterly divided. Faced with self-absorbed politicians, alcoholic generals, and a grumpy wife, Abe was a true leader and held the country together with his own two hands. He did all this despite the presence of a grizzly and intimidating beard on his face.

As president, Abraham Lincoln set America on the course to end slavery (Mantivity); he delivered speeches that would define a nation (Mantivity), and shortly after being re-elected for a second term, Abe was assassinated. The combination of a lifetime of Manly service, an unmatched knowledge of axe handling technique, and a heroic and tragic death make Abe Lincoln a Man for the ages. President Lincoln, we salute you.