#28 Dunking

Basketball is typically not thought of as a contact sport. There is no “checking,” as in hockey, or “tackling,” as in football and rugby, or “beheading,” as in gladiatorial battles. There are, however, some finer details, that, although not quite as rough as the aforementioned sporting activities, are still a tad bit Manly. Setting a pick, for example, can be quite a violent experience, as can be battling Shaquille O’Neal in the low post. For this reason, basketball retains its status as a Manly form of competition (as opposed to, say, croquet, which is undoubtedly fun, but definitely not Manly).

Dunking is the most Manly of basketball moves. It involves a player denying gravity for a long enough period of time that he/she can actually elevate his hands high enough above the rim that he is able to put the ball directly through the hoop. When a player dunks, he leaves nothing to chance; he makes sure that the ball goes where he intends it, with no interference from such things as air pressure, ball spin, or Dikembe Mutombo.

Dunking derives its Manliness from two sources. The first is Man’s desire to gain altitude; the ability to dunk shows that a Man has a talent for short-term altitude gainmanship. The second source is Man’s inherent need to be a hero. When a Man dunks, he not only gains points for his team, he does so in a way that shames the opposition, inspires his teammates to play with passion, and incites any fans to a frenzied roar. If the dunk is spectacular enough, it will be remembered forever.

The Mantivity score for a single dunk ranges from 2.4 to 2.9. Bonus points can be earned for dunking over another Man, for overcoming height deficiencies or for finishing an Alley Oop pass with a dunk. If you are Yao Ming, the score for dunking is reduced to 1.0 because you are very very tall.

#27 Being From Eastern Europe

Most people learn some time during high school that eastern Europe has been pushed around for a long time. First, there were Julius Caesar’s attempts to wrestle it from the hands of the Germanic tribes and what not. Then there was Attila the Hun, who killed everyone who lived there, twice. After that, there was Napoleon, then Hitler, then the Communists.

Today, much of Eastern Europe has joined the European union, kind of like the long-awaited delivery from the clutches of hell or something. The people there, however, have long since had it hardwired into their DNA to be Manly enough to take on whatever the world throws at them – whether it be Nazi bullets, or savage beasts. This is evident in modern day examples of Eastern Europeans.

For starters, people from Eastern Europe nearly always have a five o’clock shadow, and all of them smoke cigarettes all the time. They do not smoke fancy American cigarettes though, those have not been introduced into the backwards economies of the former Soviet Union yet. The cigarettes they smoke are homemade, and usually include a large amount of toxic waste (Mantivity: smoking toxic-waste cigarettes). Eastern Europeans are also usually abnormally big, although their clumsiness often precludes them from any success in the NBA.

If you have ever met someone from Eastern Europe, you probably made two observations. The first was that they were dressed very oddly - perhaps in a sweat suit that was definitely owned by Vanilla Ice at some point. The second is that they were very comfortable holding and using automatic weaponry like AK-47s. To address the first point - Eastern Europeans have little guidance on style. Unlike Men in america, they cannot consult the Cabelas catalog to make sure they are wearing Manly clothing. This is okay though, because not having a sense of style is Man’s nature. To address the second point - this is very Manly.

The Mantivity score for being from Eastern Europe is 1.5. This is a perpetual score, which means that when people from Eastern Europe do anything at all, they start with a base Mantivity score of 1.5. If they are doing something with a neutral score, such as drinking ice water, then the score is 1.5. If they are doing something with a negative score, such as buying a poodle, the scores will cancel out. Etc.

#26 Mowing the Lawn

One of the Manliest smells in the world is the combination of fresh cut grass and gasoline. Recent studies at Harvard and Yale have determined that this aroma mixture actually increases the chemical balance of testosterone in any Man lucky enough to smell it. Mowing the lawn is a timeless Mantivity, dating back to the era of caveMen, when maintaining a neatly trimmed front-lawn let ferocious animals know that a Man resided in that cave. These creatures understood that they risked certain-death by attempting to settle in a Man’s cave.

Today, mowing the lawn is a simpler task. At least once a week, usually on Saturday, a Man should head out to his garage and fire up his 2-cycle, gasoline-engine mower and take care of his yard. Using a riding mower is only Manly if the lawn is over one acre in size. Beware of any electrical mower, which, unless it’s solar powered, requires the use of extension cords and is thus practically vacuuming. This is inappropriate and unManly. A Man’s first lawn mower is important and should be passed down from father to son around the age of 13, when a Man-in-training assumes his father’s lawn mowing duties, usually for about two dollars an hour, the minimum wage in Mississippi.

Obviously, there are Men who aren’t lucky enough to have a lawn because they live in urban areas, in deserts, or on aircraft carriers. Yet these Men undoubtedly understand the Manly nature of mowing the lawn. Women think it smells bad, it is conducted outdoors, and it burns a fossil fuel. Mowing the lawn earns a 3.2 Mantivity score. The score decreases for using the environmentally friendly push mower, a vacuum-style electric mower, or a riding mower for less than one acre (note: serious bonus points for using a Machete. Or a Chainsaw). Next time you see a Man mowing a lawn, be sure to give him a nod of recognition. Nothing more is required to celebrate the Mantivity you both know he is undertaking.

#25 Bushwhacking

Ever been lost in the Adirondacks, with nighttime rapidly approaching? Ever found yourself tracking a black Rhino in sub-Saharan Africa? Ever been in the Marines, following a band of Communist spies? If you have answered yes to any of these questions, than you have surely been Bushwhacking.

Bushwhacking is what Men do when they are surrounded by obnoxious and prickly branches, leaves, and thorns. Before the invention of bicycles, cars, and Silverados, bushwhacking was the next step up for transportation, after walking. In the modern age, however, a Man bushwhacks not out of choice, but out of necessity - because the bush lies between the Man and his objective, whether it be the Viet Kong, a nearly extinct species, or a large batch of treasure. Upon realizing that bushwhacking is his only option, the Man will whip out his machete and begin swinging like his first name is Tiger.

More often than not, 10 minutes into an episode of bushwhacking, a Man will begin to sweat profusely, causing him to rip off his shirt sleeves for use as bandannas, and attracting an abnormal amount of mosquitoes. He should end up looking something like Rambo. When he returns from bushwhacking, the Man will smell like a pack of coyotes, and he should have numerous cuts across legs, arms, and face.

The Mantivity score for several hours of hardcore bushwhacking in the described manner is 3.7. Of course, bushwhacking is often just a piece of another Mantivity, so a lot depends on the reason for the bushwhacking. But trust me, if you are doing this, you can bet the farm that your score is really high.

#24 Packing a Car

Every once in awhile, a Man has to re-locate. He has to take his furniture, TV, and other valuable possessions and find a way to move them while incurring the least amount of financial damage. This is best achieved by using the pick-up truck or SUV the Man undoubtedly owns. If he does not have this type of vehicle, the Man needs to first allow his gonads to drop, and then afterwards, he will have to borrow the proper vehicle from a Manly friend.

Before moving day, the Man should ask another Manly friend to assist him in the process, as he will also undoubtedly own a heinously large television, which will require at least two Men to move. The most important part of the moving process is cramming as much of the Man’s belongings into the vehicle. The packing of the vehicle must use space with extreme efficiency, and it must involve a two-Man deliberation over the packing-strategy. As with all Mantivity discussions, non-chalance and grunting are paramount.

Packing the car is also important for road trips. It is the duty of the Man in the family to be able to jam the car to the brim with all the useless crap that the women are bringing along, and then still be able to fit the awesome gift they picked up on the vacation. The packing situation should always look grim and the Man should always prevail, using his icy determination and a simple re-organization strategy that more effectively uses the inches of space left. Also, the Man’s dog should not be locked in his kennel and then tied down to the roof.

The Mantivity score for packing a vehicle with uncanny efficiency and the appropriate level of packing-strategy discussion is a 3.4. Obviously, the score is lower if aspects of this Mantivity are omitted or if unManly items are packed in the vehicle. Bonus points if rope or bungee cords are used to strap stuff down.