#31 Digging

A common misconception is that it is Manly to get dirty. This is not the case. The truth is that a lot of Mantivities result in dirtiness, and so many people assume that the dirtiness is itself Manly, but really there are ways to get dirty that are very unManly (ie mudbath). Digging, of course, is the foremost example of a Manly way to get dirty, because the whole idea is to move dirt, and a lot of that dirt will end up on your skin.

Men have a lot of reasons to dig. The most ancient of these is the search for buried treasure, which Men have been doing for a long time. When digging for buried treasure, a Man must use a standard shovel, and then when the shovel runs into something hard (the shovel will make a sound), must get on his knees, and use his bare hands to finish the job. After that he can move to Bermuda, or just go home and watch the game, depending on the nature of the treasure.

More common than the search for buried treasure is the digging done in the construction industry. In the middle ages, the construction industry focused on digging moats, massive trenches, and digging up rocks to build really useful stuff. Today, construction Men dig in order to lay foundations for buildings, and do other important stuff, like reroute rivers and bury nuclear waste.

The fact is, there are plenty of Manly reasons to dig (we haven’t even mentioned all the reasons a Man might dig a tunnel). The Mantivity score varies widely depending on which reason a Man has, but even something as simple as burying some bones for later use will get you a 1.5 (this is more often done by dogs than Men, but keep it in mind).

#28 Dunking

Basketball is typically not thought of as a contact sport. There is no “checking,” as in hockey, or “tackling,” as in football and rugby, or “beheading,” as in gladiatorial battles. There are, however, some finer details, that, although not quite as rough as the aforementioned sporting activities, are still a tad bit Manly. Setting a pick, for example, can be quite a violent experience, as can be battling Shaquille O’Neal in the low post. For this reason, basketball retains its status as a Manly form of competition (as opposed to, say, croquet, which is undoubtedly fun, but definitely not Manly).

Dunking is the most Manly of basketball moves. It involves a player denying gravity for a long enough period of time that he/she can actually elevate his hands high enough above the rim that he is able to put the ball directly through the hoop. When a player dunks, he leaves nothing to chance; he makes sure that the ball goes where he intends it, with no interference from such things as air pressure, ball spin, or Dikembe Mutombo.

Dunking derives its Manliness from two sources. The first is Man’s desire to gain altitude; the ability to dunk shows that a Man has a talent for short-term altitude gainmanship. The second source is Man’s inherent need to be a hero. When a Man dunks, he not only gains points for his team, he does so in a way that shames the opposition, inspires his teammates to play with passion, and incites any fans to a frenzied roar. If the dunk is spectacular enough, it will be remembered forever.

The Mantivity score for a single dunk ranges from 2.4 to 2.9. Bonus points can be earned for dunking over another Man, for overcoming height deficiencies or for finishing an Alley Oop pass with a dunk. If you are Yao Ming, the score for dunking is reduced to 1.0 because you are very very tall.

#21 Wearing a Hat

The hat was original developed by the Spartans as a tool of warfare – a protective piece of metal that slid over the head. The Spartans quickly recognized the obvious Manliness of this device, and began to wear it in social and professional settings. Soon afterwards, the Athenians caught on and started doing it too. It later traveled to the Ottoman Empire in 1,230 BC, and the rest is history. Today, hats come in all sorts of shapes, colors, and sizes. The manliest forms, of course, are those used in the military and in construction. However, these cannot really be worn except for when doing one of these jobs, so I will shift focus to two of the more common types of hats: “baseball” hats, and stocking caps.

Baseball hats were originally made so that baseball players could keep the sun out of their eyes. They still serve that same purpose, but now they do it for everyone, even those who obviously don’t play baseball. They also help Men show support for their favorite cause (a baseball/football team or a college).

Stocking caps keep a Man’s head warm. This is important because a Man’s brain is usually in his head, and needs to be kept warm. Stocking caps derive their Manliness from their presence in stocking yards, prisons, robberies, and old school rap videos. Subconsciously, whenever anyone sees a Man in a stocking cap, they think of one of these things.

Other types of Manly hats include: cowboy hats (note: most people look stupid in a cowboy hat, so be careful), pilot hats (if you’re a pilot), beer helmets (if you’re in college or at a football game), and more. As you can tell, most are circumstantial, and there are many, many things people put on their head that aren’t Manly hats, so be careful. The Mantivity score for wearing an appropriate hat is 2.3.

#19 Gaining Altitude

From birth, it is Man’s natural instinct to be higher than he is at the moment, and higher than all those around him. Anyone with male children can testify to boys’ insatiable desire to climb things – boulders, ladders, trees, large animals. As these boys become Men, their desire to gain altitude is refined, and reflected in more ambitious and difficult altitude-gaining Mantivities.

The most obvious of these is mountain climbing. Although not all Men are interested in mountain climbing, every Man at some point dreams of standing on top of a mountain and shouting something victorious, or perhaps urinating. Of course, the ultimate feat of altitude gaining is the climbing of Mount Everest – successfully completing this Mantivity puts a Man at near immortal status (the Mantivity score is 4.7, 4.9 if done without oxygen).

Another example of Men gaining altitude occurs in the corporate world. Here, we see the creation of large towers, whose sole purpose is to provide Men with the opportunity to gain altitude (The Male species is the only one capable of this). Once the towers are built, the highest offices with the most majestic views are taken by the most successful and powerful Men. Indeed, it is often said that a Man’s success can be judged by the size of his salaryaltitude of his office.

The list goes on, and some of these will be touched on in future posts (being a pilot, slam-dunking, being an astronaut), but before concluding this discussion, it is important to understand why Men want to gain altitude. The answer stems from the ancient times, when kings and emperors built their castles on the highest possible point, so as to make them safe from attack, and to intimidate the peasants in the valley below. Every Man secretly yearns to be a King, and Man’s desire to gain altitude stems from this ancient impulse. The Mantivity score for gaining altitude literally ranges from 0.1 to 4.9, as there are almost infinite ways to do this. Be creative!

Update: Boone pointed out to me that the third paragraph implies that a Man’s success is related to his salary. This is true only in the context of the business world. A Man’s overall success (read, Manliness) is judged by a much more extensive and complex criterion, ie has he or has he not ever killed a lion with his bare hands.

#14 Talking About Torque

To begin, let’s define the word torque. The dictionary definition is: “a vector that measures the tendency of a force to rotate an object about some axis (center). The magnitude of a torque is defined as force times the length of the lever arm (radius).” This definition, however, is not sufficient for a discussion of Manliness, so the official Mantivities definition of torque is: “That portion of an automobile’s Manliness derived from its power, usually at least half.”

So, in layMan’s terms, torque is essentially the deciding factor of whether or not an automobile is Manly. Discussion of an automobile’s torque is thus very important for Men. When a friend buys a new truck, a Man’s first reaction is often to inquire about the torque. This is a good way for a Man to gauge whether or not his friend/acquaintance has made a Manly decision. Of course, if the friend/acquaintance says “I don’t know,” this should set off immediate alarms. In real life, having plenty of torque is important for nearly every Mantivity that involves an automobile. Helping a stranger out of a ditch, towing an airplane, and straightening the leaning tower of Pisa are some examples.

The Mantivity score for talking about torque ranges from 2.0 to 2.5. The score is circumstantial, so if you are standing over the open hood of a Chevy Silverado or Ford F150, it will be higher than if you are in a furniture store talking about your wife’s new toyota prius.

#9 Refusing to Take Medicine

In the modern world, there are hundreds of different medicines offering treatments and cures for every single ailment invented. It can be confusing for a Man, figuring out what to take for what. Luckily, there is a simple, and Manly, solution: never take medicine, ever. (One Exception.)

Chances are, at some point in a Man’s life, he will get sick, and when he does, there is sure to be somebody who tells him to take medicine. If this somebody is his wife or mother, she will also make a doctor’s appointment for him, without telling him. When this happens, a Man follows a very simple procedure. For the first quarter of his illness, he must insist he is not sick, it’s just allergies, so he doesn’t need medicine and a doctor. Then, for the remaining three quarters, he must say that he was sick, but now is starting to get better, so medicine really wouldn’t* do anything. This plan never ever fails.

Some people reading this may ask, “What if a Man gets cancer? What if he gets the bubonic plague?” It is true, these are very serious diseases, but that just means that overcoming these without medicine is all that much more impressive, heroic, even. Look at it this way: getting medicine is like putting up the white flag and saying you can’t win on your own. It shows that you have been defeated, by germs/viral things, and that’s not Manly. Also, don’t ask stupid questions. The Mantivity score for refusing to take medicine is 2.3.

*Updated thanks to the sniper-like editing style of James, a Man.