#31 Digging

A common misconception is that it is Manly to get dirty. This is not the case. The truth is that a lot of Mantivities result in dirtiness, and so many people assume that the dirtiness is itself Manly, but really there are ways to get dirty that are very unManly (ie mudbath). Digging, of course, is the foremost example of a Manly way to get dirty, because the whole idea is to move dirt, and a lot of that dirt will end up on your skin.

Men have a lot of reasons to dig. The most ancient of these is the search for buried treasure, which Men have been doing for a long time. When digging for buried treasure, a Man must use a standard shovel, and then when the shovel runs into something hard (the shovel will make a sound), must get on his knees, and use his bare hands to finish the job. After that he can move to Bermuda, or just go home and watch the game, depending on the nature of the treasure.

More common than the search for buried treasure is the digging done in the construction industry. In the middle ages, the construction industry focused on digging moats, massive trenches, and digging up rocks to build really useful stuff. Today, construction Men dig in order to lay foundations for buildings, and do other important stuff, like reroute rivers and bury nuclear waste.

The fact is, there are plenty of Manly reasons to dig (we haven’t even mentioned all the reasons a Man might dig a tunnel). The Mantivity score varies widely depending on which reason a Man has, but even something as simple as burying some bones for later use will get you a 1.5 (this is more often done by dogs than Men, but keep it in mind).

#26 Mowing the Lawn

One of the Manliest smells in the world is the combination of fresh cut grass and gasoline. Recent studies at Harvard and Yale have determined that this aroma mixture actually increases the chemical balance of testosterone in any Man lucky enough to smell it. Mowing the lawn is a timeless Mantivity, dating back to the era of caveMen, when maintaining a neatly trimmed front-lawn let ferocious animals know that a Man resided in that cave. These creatures understood that they risked certain-death by attempting to settle in a Man’s cave.

Today, mowing the lawn is a simpler task. At least once a week, usually on Saturday, a Man should head out to his garage and fire up his 2-cycle, gasoline-engine mower and take care of his yard. Using a riding mower is only Manly if the lawn is over one acre in size. Beware of any electrical mower, which, unless it’s solar powered, requires the use of extension cords and is thus practically vacuuming. This is inappropriate and unManly. A Man’s first lawn mower is important and should be passed down from father to son around the age of 13, when a Man-in-training assumes his father’s lawn mowing duties, usually for about two dollars an hour, the minimum wage in Mississippi.

Obviously, there are Men who aren’t lucky enough to have a lawn because they live in urban areas, in deserts, or on aircraft carriers. Yet these Men undoubtedly understand the Manly nature of mowing the lawn. Women think it smells bad, it is conducted outdoors, and it burns a fossil fuel. Mowing the lawn earns a 3.2 Mantivity score. The score decreases for using the environmentally friendly push mower, a vacuum-style electric mower, or a riding mower for less than one acre (note: serious bonus points for using a Machete. Or a Chainsaw). Next time you see a Man mowing a lawn, be sure to give him a nod of recognition. Nothing more is required to celebrate the Mantivity you both know he is undertaking.

#24 Packing a Car

Every once in awhile, a Man has to re-locate. He has to take his furniture, TV, and other valuable possessions and find a way to move them while incurring the least amount of financial damage. This is best achieved by using the pick-up truck or SUV the Man undoubtedly owns. If he does not have this type of vehicle, the Man needs to first allow his gonads to drop, and then afterwards, he will have to borrow the proper vehicle from a Manly friend.

Before moving day, the Man should ask another Manly friend to assist him in the process, as he will also undoubtedly own a heinously large television, which will require at least two Men to move. The most important part of the moving process is cramming as much of the Man’s belongings into the vehicle. The packing of the vehicle must use space with extreme efficiency, and it must involve a two-Man deliberation over the packing-strategy. As with all Mantivity discussions, non-chalance and grunting are paramount.

Packing the car is also important for road trips. It is the duty of the Man in the family to be able to jam the car to the brim with all the useless crap that the women are bringing along, and then still be able to fit the awesome gift they picked up on the vacation. The packing situation should always look grim and the Man should always prevail, using his icy determination and a simple re-organization strategy that more effectively uses the inches of space left. Also, the Man’s dog should not be locked in his kennel and then tied down to the roof.

The Mantivity score for packing a vehicle with uncanny efficiency and the appropriate level of packing-strategy discussion is a 3.4. Obviously, the score is lower if aspects of this Mantivity are omitted or if unManly items are packed in the vehicle. Bonus points if rope or bungee cords are used to strap stuff down.

#23 Owning a Lazy Boy

When it comes time, at the end of a long day of work, for a Man to relax and enjoy a cold beverage and a hot meal, a Lazy Boy is, quite simply, the premier option for Manly unwinding. Womenfolk are often confused by a Man’s insistence on owning a chair that extends so as to nearly become a bed – why not get a couch, or a chair with an ottoman? - they ask. But they do not understand.

The Lazy Boy, is, in fact, an ancient relative of the royal throne. Like a big chair made out of gold, a Lazy Boy makes a man feel as if the world is at his feet. In fact, when he pulls the lever, his feet and the world are actually several inches apart, but really, this doesn’t matter. A Man in a Lazy Boy needs not think about his feet, as they are probably taken care of.

Besides being a Man’s evening tabernacle, the Lazy Boy also serves another important purpose. When game day comes around, a Man’s status is sharply elevated as soon as his friends see him in his Lazy Boy. It is the only thing in the room that might get more attention than his 8 foot flat screen television, as his friends will immediately want to test the comfort of the Lazy Boy. Upon sitting in it they will make a sound halfway between a “wow” and an “ahhh.” This essentially means “your Lazy Boy is very comfortable. I think I will talk to my significant other about the acquisition of a similar product.”

The Mantivity score for owning a Lazy Boy ranges from 2.9-3.2. You will be able to tell when you are in the store which chairs will grab the highest scores (hint, they have built in coolers). Go get ‘em.

#22 Speaking Over the Intercom

“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain speaking.” Almost all of us have experienced this moment; the moment a Man, using one of the most explosive substances on the planet, flies a 34 ton piece of aluminum, 35,000 feet above the ground, and tells us about it with an icy cool. Few Men get the opportunity to come over an intercom system, but when that chance arrives, they should know they are in good company.

Manly uses of an intercom system include a pilot on commercial airlines, a stadium announcer at a sporting event, and inspiring speeches right before the largest aerial battle in the history of Mankind. The proper etiquette for intercom use is paramount, as improper use can result in the disintegration of the Mantivity status associated with this activity. Men should have a natural non-chalance and confidence in their voice that both relaxes those in its range yet inspires them to believe. Men shall not use the intercom with seriously varying levels of vocal inflection, nor shall they be anything but short and to the point; talking to much over the intercom detracts from the overall Mantivity rating.

A man comes over an intercom and says “the local time is 3:52 in the afternoon, temperature is 42 degrees; we hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago”, or “eight yards gained on the play, first down”. If the Man adheres to proper etiquette then the Mantivity rating for speaking over the intercom is 3.2. Men should be wary of saying unManly things when using an intercom, they become exponentially more public and thus, even more unManly. Do not, under any circumstances, sing Sir Mix-a-lot over the intercom, for this is childish and rude.

#20 Being a Father

A great deal of Men feel compelled to further the code of Manliness by bringing a child into the world. We suggest a Man-in-training for the first born. We do not in anyway believe that raising a daughter is any less rewarding or less Manly. However, by having the Man-in-training first, over 50% of the father’s duties are assumed by the Man-in-Training at the age of sixteen. Some of those passed on duties include: lawn mowing, undertaking elementary Man-projects, and threatening violence towards the boyfriends of younger females in the family.

Fatherhood requires patience, dedication, and the ability to teach and pass on family customs of Manliness. These traditions vary, but they range from dress-code to grilling techniques, from how to pee standing up to when and how to get into a fight. While things like instruction on the best way to tie a knot are important, teaching is only half the battle. The direct role the father plays in his child’s life is equally paramount.

With daughters, fathers should encourage the pursuit of whatever the girl has an interest in, be it sports, art, music, scholastic pursuits, or interior design. With Men-in-training, fathers should accept their son’s choices, but particularly celebrate the pursuit of athletics, especially with Manly sports (ie football, hockey, etc).

An effective way to do this is by being the coach of the Man-in-training’s 5th grade team. There is almost no limit to how seriously the father can take his position as coach, including demanding that his son refer to him as coach during the season regardless of circumstances. If the Man is not the coach, he must be a loyal and knowledgeable fan, perhaps unofficially assuming the position of assistant coach for games. Note: Using the “coach” technique to encourage sports for a daughter is equally effective.

Quality fathering scores a 3.4 on the Mantivity rating system. The score is dependent upon the caliber of the child at the age of 18, the capacity of the child to father when their time comes, and how whole-heartedly the child believes his dad was a Jedi Knight earlier in life.

#19 Gaining Altitude

From birth, it is Man’s natural instinct to be higher than he is at the moment, and higher than all those around him. Anyone with male children can testify to boys’ insatiable desire to climb things – boulders, ladders, trees, large animals. As these boys become Men, their desire to gain altitude is refined, and reflected in more ambitious and difficult altitude-gaining Mantivities.

The most obvious of these is mountain climbing. Although not all Men are interested in mountain climbing, every Man at some point dreams of standing on top of a mountain and shouting something victorious, or perhaps urinating. Of course, the ultimate feat of altitude gaining is the climbing of Mount Everest – successfully completing this Mantivity puts a Man at near immortal status (the Mantivity score is 4.7, 4.9 if done without oxygen).

Another example of Men gaining altitude occurs in the corporate world. Here, we see the creation of large towers, whose sole purpose is to provide Men with the opportunity to gain altitude (The Male species is the only one capable of this). Once the towers are built, the highest offices with the most majestic views are taken by the most successful and powerful Men. Indeed, it is often said that a Man’s success can be judged by the size of his salaryaltitude of his office.

The list goes on, and some of these will be touched on in future posts (being a pilot, slam-dunking, being an astronaut), but before concluding this discussion, it is important to understand why Men want to gain altitude. The answer stems from the ancient times, when kings and emperors built their castles on the highest possible point, so as to make them safe from attack, and to intimidate the peasants in the valley below. Every Man secretly yearns to be a King, and Man’s desire to gain altitude stems from this ancient impulse. The Mantivity score for gaining altitude literally ranges from 0.1 to 4.9, as there are almost infinite ways to do this. Be creative!

Update: Boone pointed out to me that the third paragraph implies that a Man’s success is related to his salary. This is true only in the context of the business world. A Man’s overall success (read, Manliness) is judged by a much more extensive and complex criterion, ie has he or has he not ever killed a lion with his bare hands.

#17 Chainsawing

This is a situation that every Man faces at some point in life: you are driving down a road in the forest, perhaps searching for goldbeer, when you come across a fallen tree that has blocked the pathway. At this point, a Man has three options. He can: A) Give up, and return to his lame, beerless life B) build a ramp, and attempt to jump the tree, or C) Chainsaw.

Of course, a Man will choose option C eleven times out of twelve (and he will die in a horrible tree jumping accident one time out of twelve). By doing this, he can continue his search for beer, impress the girls in the back of his Silverado, and, most importantly, complete a kick ass Mantivity. Chainsawing is the pinnacle of Manly ruggedness; its usage is both violent and beautiful, for while a Man can use it to destroy, he can also use it to create. The noise it emits, while violent and frightening to the typical ear, is glorious music to a Man (See Dupre, Jesse James, of Jackyl).

Using a chainsaw is, of course, dangerous. A wrong cut can lead to lost limbs and other horrible accidents. As a general rule for any Manitvity, danger only increases the Mantivity score, and in this case, it also adds an element of excitement to the chainsawing excursion. Nonetheless, as not having limbs reduces the opportunities to be Manly, we recommend the following: that a Man make sure his saw is well oiled before usage, that the Man wears goggles, gloves, orange clothes, and a cup, and that he uses proper technique, especially when felling a tree.

The Mantivity score for chainsawing is 3.2 for a single chainsaw event, up to 3.7 for more extended usage, such as clearing large swaths of the untamed wilderness. Also, if a Man plays his cards right, he can end up chainsawing for a living, either as a lumberjack (future post), a park ranger (future post), a chainsaw artist, or a firefighter in the national forest service. These are obviously very Manly employment opportunities, and should be pursued with all possible fervor.

#15 Being the Coach

Have you ever seen a person alone on a football field on a hot summer day, and asked yourself what in God’s great glory would cause a person to run 50 yards back and forth until he throws up, has a heat stroke, and breaks his femur? Rhetorical question, the answer is obvious. The Coach.

Becoming a Coach instantly transforms a person into one of society’s most revered figures. The coach is a leader and an expert; a mentor and a tyrant. He always holds a clipboard, but never looks at it. He has a hat that is at least 50 years old. His wife is, surprisingly, really nice.

To be a coach, a Man must be capable of doing several things. He must be able to make other men cry – whether he does this through loads of shouting and cursing, or through subtle psychological attacks is the Man’s choice. He must be able to spit several times a minute. He must be able to convince everyone that he was once the greatest athlete alive, but was forced out by some unforeseen circumstance (ie gruesome injury, went to Nam).

Once a man becomes a coach, he is a new person. If his name was Richard Longbottom, he is no longer called Rich, Richard, or Mr. Longbottom, he is now Coach Dick or Coach L to everyone - even his wife. He must never smile (one exception.) He is also now prepared to answer any life question about anything, and usually with a story that includes his experience in the war, or the time he went up against Dick Butkus when he was at Illinois.

The Mantivity score for being a coach ranges depending on sport. The manliest sport to coach is Football, followed closely by hockey. The score for football is 3.1, 3.3 if your name includes a Manly animal species (Bear, Wolf, Lion).

#10 Installing Things

Men are often asked to undertake important tasks. The installations of home improvement items, electrical systems, car parts, and other similar things, are jobs that Men are frequently called to tackle. It is a burden in some respects, but make no mistake, these are duties Men enjoy. It provides a natural testosterone boost and something to casually discuss at the next chance encounter with other Men.

The typical circumstance for a Man’s installation of something goes as follows: A woman requests that the Man install a particular item in her home and/or car. It is bonus points if the woman is not directly engaged in a serious relationship with the Man and lives in an entirely different home. The Man accepts the request with nonchalance and heads to the installation site with his own set of tools and equipment. It is here where he undertakes the first on-site assessment of the situation and deems the project more complex and difficult than anticipated.

That, of course, is not a problem, but a blessing for the Mantivity score. The Man knows this, but the woman does not. The Man reacts accordingly. For example, “Yes, that does mean I’ll have to move this three ton concrete block with just my bare hands. No, no, I don’t think it will be a problem. I’m here, might as well get it done.”Any verbal exaggeration in this regard is deemed appropriate, but it is important that the Man appear confident and undeterred.

A Man can also install things professionally by becoming a cable guy, a plumber, or a Home Depot installation expert. This is a Manly way to make a living. The variables associated with this Mantivity mean that there is large score range. It ranges from 2.7 to 3.5 depending on what is being installed and where (for example, installing a new carburetor in an old car receives a higher score than installing a towel rack in a pink bathroom). Bonus points for using tools, becoming dirty, and not referring to any kind of directional-like reading materials for assistance.