#31 Digging

A common misconception is that it is Manly to get dirty. This is not the case. The truth is that a lot of Mantivities result in dirtiness, and so many people assume that the dirtiness is itself Manly, but really there are ways to get dirty that are very unManly (ie mudbath). Digging, of course, is the foremost example of a Manly way to get dirty, because the whole idea is to move dirt, and a lot of that dirt will end up on your skin.

Men have a lot of reasons to dig. The most ancient of these is the search for buried treasure, which Men have been doing for a long time. When digging for buried treasure, a Man must use a standard shovel, and then when the shovel runs into something hard (the shovel will make a sound), must get on his knees, and use his bare hands to finish the job. After that he can move to Bermuda, or just go home and watch the game, depending on the nature of the treasure.

More common than the search for buried treasure is the digging done in the construction industry. In the middle ages, the construction industry focused on digging moats, massive trenches, and digging up rocks to build really useful stuff. Today, construction Men dig in order to lay foundations for buildings, and do other important stuff, like reroute rivers and bury nuclear waste.

The fact is, there are plenty of Manly reasons to dig (we haven’t even mentioned all the reasons a Man might dig a tunnel). The Mantivity score varies widely depending on which reason a Man has, but even something as simple as burying some bones for later use will get you a 1.5 (this is more often done by dogs than Men, but keep it in mind).

#30 Driving a Semi

On the highway, semi trucks are big, usually slow, and always driven by Men. When the semi truck was first invented in the mid 20th century, a Man saw it and said “I need to drive that right now.” That is just how it works with semi trucks and Men. (it also explains why tonka trucks are the most widely sold Man-in-training toy in the history of the world.

The thing about a semi truck that makes driving one so Manly is that it is literally unstoppable, figuratively. If we take a look at Newton’s law of momentum, p=mv, where p is momentum, m is mass, and v is velocity, we can see that semi trucks, with a mass of 1 billion megapounds, are very momentous objects when in motion. This is what subconsciously draws a Man to them.

Being a semi truck driver tends itself to a very Manly lifestyle. While truckers enjoy a lot of solitude (Manly in and of itself) they also get to do on a daily basis such things as hang out at truck stops, flick off prius drivers, wear cut off flannel shirts, and chew tabacco. Obviously, this is a Manly lifestyle.

The Mantivity score for Driving a Semi is 3.5. You can earn bonus points by having a name like “Hank,” and for hauling especially Manly objects, like Pabst or recently logged trees. Also, if you are a real semi truck driver, and you see someone else who obviously doesn’t drive trucks wearing a “trucker” hat, punch him in the face, so the hat falls off.

#25 Bushwhacking

Ever been lost in the Adirondacks, with nighttime rapidly approaching? Ever found yourself tracking a black Rhino in sub-Saharan Africa? Ever been in the Marines, following a band of Communist spies? If you have answered yes to any of these questions, than you have surely been Bushwhacking.

Bushwhacking is what Men do when they are surrounded by obnoxious and prickly branches, leaves, and thorns. Before the invention of bicycles, cars, and Silverados, bushwhacking was the next step up for transportation, after walking. In the modern age, however, a Man bushwhacks not out of choice, but out of necessity - because the bush lies between the Man and his objective, whether it be the Viet Kong, a nearly extinct species, or a large batch of treasure. Upon realizing that bushwhacking is his only option, the Man will whip out his machete and begin swinging like his first name is Tiger.

More often than not, 10 minutes into an episode of bushwhacking, a Man will begin to sweat profusely, causing him to rip off his shirt sleeves for use as bandannas, and attracting an abnormal amount of mosquitoes. He should end up looking something like Rambo. When he returns from bushwhacking, the Man will smell like a pack of coyotes, and he should have numerous cuts across legs, arms, and face.

The Mantivity score for several hours of hardcore bushwhacking in the described manner is 3.7. Of course, bushwhacking is often just a piece of another Mantivity, so a lot depends on the reason for the bushwhacking. But trust me, if you are doing this, you can bet the farm that your score is really high.

#19 Gaining Altitude

From birth, it is Man’s natural instinct to be higher than he is at the moment, and higher than all those around him. Anyone with male children can testify to boys’ insatiable desire to climb things – boulders, ladders, trees, large animals. As these boys become Men, their desire to gain altitude is refined, and reflected in more ambitious and difficult altitude-gaining Mantivities.

The most obvious of these is mountain climbing. Although not all Men are interested in mountain climbing, every Man at some point dreams of standing on top of a mountain and shouting something victorious, or perhaps urinating. Of course, the ultimate feat of altitude gaining is the climbing of Mount Everest – successfully completing this Mantivity puts a Man at near immortal status (the Mantivity score is 4.7, 4.9 if done without oxygen).

Another example of Men gaining altitude occurs in the corporate world. Here, we see the creation of large towers, whose sole purpose is to provide Men with the opportunity to gain altitude (The Male species is the only one capable of this). Once the towers are built, the highest offices with the most majestic views are taken by the most successful and powerful Men. Indeed, it is often said that a Man’s success can be judged by the size of his salaryaltitude of his office.

The list goes on, and some of these will be touched on in future posts (being a pilot, slam-dunking, being an astronaut), but before concluding this discussion, it is important to understand why Men want to gain altitude. The answer stems from the ancient times, when kings and emperors built their castles on the highest possible point, so as to make them safe from attack, and to intimidate the peasants in the valley below. Every Man secretly yearns to be a King, and Man’s desire to gain altitude stems from this ancient impulse. The Mantivity score for gaining altitude literally ranges from 0.1 to 4.9, as there are almost infinite ways to do this. Be creative!

Update: Boone pointed out to me that the third paragraph implies that a Man’s success is related to his salary. This is true only in the context of the business world. A Man’s overall success (read, Manliness) is judged by a much more extensive and complex criterion, ie has he or has he not ever killed a lion with his bare hands.

#11 Launching Rockets

Invented during the 13th century, somewhere near the region we today call Latvia, the rocket launcher is a Man tool that has been both praised and admonished by society for its startling effectiveness in helping Men launch rockets. The typical rocket launcher is small enough so that it can be hoisted onto the shoulder of a Man, yet large enough so that a Man can use it to bludgeon aliens to death with it, if need be.

Like any Man tool, rocket launchers can do great good when in the hands of a true Man, but great evil when in the hands of a coward. This is because after the rockets have been launched, they streak towards their targets at 1,000,000 miles per hour, and then explode on contact – an effective means of target eradication. The important thing with this tool, therefore, is what exactly the target is. If the target is Hitler, then the Man tool has been used properly. If the target is a school bus, then the Man tool has been gravely misused, unless Hitler is the only passenger of the bus.

Rocket launchers can be pricey, so if you do not have the money, we recommend stealing one from your nearest Cold War arms stash. While you are there pick up a nuclear bomb – those can come in handy. The Mantivity score for launching rockets is 3.6, assuming you are fighting against the forces of evil. If your rockets are heat-seaking, the score is 3.8. Let’s blow some shit up.

#4 Sledgehammering

Of all Man-tools, the sledgehammer is one of the Manliest. The length of the tool can vary, but it is always thick and top-heavy. A sledgehammer is usually used to destroy things or to drive stakes into the ground. This means that a sledgehammer is used in situations that were Manly even before its introduction. That is bonus points.

Sledgehammers can be found at construction sites, campsites, and riots against Communism. During its actual use, it is important that bystanders step back, due to its swing diameter and any erupting debris. Having a group of people watching at a safe distance as you perform a Mantivity is additional points for the Mantivity rating. In Man legends, the sledgehammer doubled as both a tool and as a powerful weapon. Man heroes across history have depended on the sledgehammer to inflict great damage on the forces of evil.

Since the sledgehammer’s invention, Men have relied on it for breaking concrete, driving in tent stakes, and for laying railroad tracks. Anytime a sledgehammer has to be used, it should be dealt with in a certain way. If it is for destructive purposes (recommended), other Men at the same location should stop their related tasks to observe and comment on both the technique of the Man using the sledgehammer, and on how downright awesome it is to see stuff being destroyed.

The Mantivity score for using a sledgehammer varies slightly based on the site location, the size of the sledgehammer, and what is being destroyed or driven into the ground. The score ranges from 3.5 to 3.75.

#1 Being a Firefighter

In the media, firefighters are generally portrayed in a very Manly way. This is no exaggeration. When a firefighter goes into a fire, his balls grow to the size of baseballs. Softballs if he is carrying an axe. They have protective equipment for this.

90% of being a fire fighter is waiting around, 10% adrenaline rush. Men are exceptionally well designed for this job. During the waiting period, fire fighters develop talents that make them among the Manliest Men around. They practice carrying stuff over their shoulders, climbing up ladders, and splitting things with their axes. When they are not practicing their fire fighting skills, they often spend their time gambling, arm wrestling, and reading Maxim.

It is when there is a fire, however, that a fire fighter’s Manliness truly shines. In this situation, a firefighter has the opportunity to prove that he is Manly by completing a dangerous mission. If he succeeds, he will be a hero, and alive. If he fails, he will probably get an article about his death in the local newspaper. This does not apply to fire fighters with the national forest service, whose job is less glamorous, and therefore more Manly.

Being a firefighter has a 3.5 to 3.75 Mantivity score. The score depends on some circumstances, particularly the frequency of large fires and axe usage. Small Men-in-training across America dream of becoming a firefighter someday, as well they should. Being a fire fighter is a full time Mantivity that requires patriotism and an abnormal supply of testosterone.