#29 Drinking out of the Carton

Often, Men get thirsty. After exerting energy for an extended period of time, a Man needs to find something to quench the dryness in his throat and to prevent dehydration. Water is typically the most suitable liquid to accomplish these things. It has no flavor, its refreshing, and can be poured all over a Man’s head if the heat requires it. The vessel in which the liquid is stored in is important. Anything like this is utterly inappropriate. Liquid containers such as wrought iron chalices, cans made by union dudes, or gloriously frosty mugs are superior. But perhaps the Manliest way to quench a Man’s thirst is by drinking straight out of the carton.

Carton here can refer a milk-style carton or even a plastic gallon jug. The gallon jug is a Man-favorite, as it is used widely as a container for various liquids, including water, and it can be refilled with other Manly beverages. When a Man does get thirsty, he needs to re-hydrate quickly. Often, there is no time to find a smaller container to hold a Man’s beverage and he needs to drink straight out of the carton. This is typically disgusting to women, which is almost always bonus Mantivity points.

The Mantivity score for quenching thirst this way is 2.8. A Man can most easily earn bonus points by spilling all over his shirt and the floor or ground beneath him. If disgusted women are present, the score increases if any type of scolding is completely ignored. Points are subtracted if the Man fails to grunt or make noise announcing his satisfaction. It is also recommended, if at all possible, to make drinking out of the carton part of your Sunday or Saturday morning routine. There is no better way to kick off a day of lawn mowing and installing things than to roll out of bed and take a long deep swig straight from the carton.

#16 Grilling

Incontrovertible Fact: cooking is not a Mantivity. The inclusion of an open fire, an outdoor environment, and certain types of equipment, however, make grilling a very different type of food creation than merely “cooking.” Grilling chiefly occurs in the backyard, at the campsite, and while tailgating.

The three major types of grilling are gas-fired, charcoal, and campfire. Each style can be used in a different way (indirect smoking, searing, etc), but for the most part, campfire grilling is the most Manly, using charcoal is the second most, and gas grills are the least Manly among the three. A Man’s grill and grilling equipment are critical for the execution of this Mantivity. Bonus points are earned when the Man has more than one grill, especially if they are of the same type (ie three charcoal grills of varying sizes).

The appropriate foods to be grilled are as follows: steaks, brats, hot dogs, polish sausage, italian sausage, sausage, brats, beef kabobs, lamb kabobs, ribs, warthogs, brats, chicken breasts, chickens, goats, hamburgers, buffalo, squirrel, venison, lamb chops, brats, jumbo shrimp, swordfish, trout, and alligator. Grilling vegetables is permitted, but only at the behest of a woman, who is somehow connected to the Man grilling. Preferably near the pelvis area.

The Mantivity score for using a gas grill is 2.7, using a charcoal is 2.8, and using a campfire flame is a 3.0. Men should be cautious of items that are labeled “grill”, but are actually agents of communism.

#6 Drinking Beer

First of all, it is natural to think that beer tastes bad. Natural and unManly. There should be little doubt: beer is the greatest beverage on planet Earth. It is delicious, refreshing, and it makes you happy.

Beer was invented well before 6,000 B.C., when dinosaurs ruled the earth. CaveMen enjoyed this perfect beverage after Manly battles with Sabertooth tigers and other animals that have become extinct. It didn’t take long to learn that while the wheel and fire were good inventions, neither went that well with pizza or peanuts. Since then, beer has evolved. It has added new species and families, discovered the limits of perfect taste, and brought Men together for a common purpose. Through all of it, beer has always retained its ultimate Man beverage status. The official beer of the Mantivities website is Pabst Blue Ribbon.

There are many rules associated with beer. Spilled or wasted beer is a disaster and should be avoided at almost all costs. This is a tragedy even Shakespeare’s words could do no justice. Light beer is acceptable for Men only when it is significantly cheaper than the regular alternative or if you intend to imbibe massive quantities and must consider the finite amount of space in the belly. Any Man who ventures into the realm of “girly” drinks should expect his friends not to let him forget it for some time afterwards.

Taste in beer will vary amongst Men. This is both accepted and encouraged, but all Men should be wary of beers that are actually “girly” drinks in disguise, such as watery beers, fruit beers, and so on. Beer earns a Mantivity score in the range of 2.5 to 3.0. This depends on the particular beer and the location in which it is being consumed. Men should not be obsessed with the number of beers that they consume; this is childish. At the end of the day, nothing quenches a Man-thirst like a beer.