#32 Giving Directions

Since before dinosaurs roamed the earth, Men have survived using a sense of direction that is encoded in their genetic make-up. Blindfolded, spun around 30 times, and then dropped from an airplane into a thick forest, a Man will always know which direction is North, regardless of his accuracy. Today, Men use their geographic mastery of world to help all who ask, using hand gestures and nonchalance.

It is important to begin with the proper technique for giving directions; this, of course, is dependent upon the scenario. If a Man is giving directions to a woman, then he must provide lots of information, perhaps even write down some of the highlights. For example, if he is assisting a woman, an effective set of directions might be: “Drive 4 blocks up this street (a crisp yet understated full hand point is paramount), get on to Interstate 80 Northbound until you get to Kenosha, then hop on 275 Westbound and you’ll get to Oshkosh about 40 miles down the road, I believe the exit is 157B”. However, for a Man, a simple version will suffice, “Hop on I-80 and then take 275 and then you’re there”. This provides the least amount of information while still conveying the point. Men should be capable of delivering both sets of directions.

Though all Men will get lost in an area unfamiliar to them at some point in their lives, Men also understand that because of time commitments, women, and children, it is sometimes necessary to ask another Man for directions, though most Men would instead prefer to break out their compass and find their way using nature. A common myth is that Men refuse to ask for directions out of pride. This is false, it is simply a part of the Male system to find your way without assistance. When a Man asks for directions, the provider should perceive the geographic assistance they give simply as a refresher for the Man who simply is unable to find his destination the natural way.

Any Man should have a vague sense of where things are at all times, and in unfamiliar surroundings it is expected that he has at least read a map (future post) before reaching uncharted territory. Also remember: even if a Man has no idea where he is, if he is asked for directions, he should act like he knows the area like the back of his hand - it does not matter if he directs confused tourists into a dangerous part of town. An effective and succinct set of directions, including at least one local highway, for a fellow Man scores 2.9 Mantivity score. Bonus points can be earned if you are providing geographic assistance to a Man who has a Manly duty to complete or if you can fit in at least one spit and grunt in during the process.

#31 Digging

A common misconception is that it is Manly to get dirty. This is not the case. The truth is that a lot of Mantivities result in dirtiness, and so many people assume that the dirtiness is itself Manly, but really there are ways to get dirty that are very unManly (ie mudbath). Digging, of course, is the foremost example of a Manly way to get dirty, because the whole idea is to move dirt, and a lot of that dirt will end up on your skin.

Men have a lot of reasons to dig. The most ancient of these is the search for buried treasure, which Men have been doing for a long time. When digging for buried treasure, a Man must use a standard shovel, and then when the shovel runs into something hard (the shovel will make a sound), must get on his knees, and use his bare hands to finish the job. After that he can move to Bermuda, or just go home and watch the game, depending on the nature of the treasure.

More common than the search for buried treasure is the digging done in the construction industry. In the middle ages, the construction industry focused on digging moats, massive trenches, and digging up rocks to build really useful stuff. Today, construction Men dig in order to lay foundations for buildings, and do other important stuff, like reroute rivers and bury nuclear waste.

The fact is, there are plenty of Manly reasons to dig (we haven’t even mentioned all the reasons a Man might dig a tunnel). The Mantivity score varies widely depending on which reason a Man has, but even something as simple as burying some bones for later use will get you a 1.5 (this is more often done by dogs than Men, but keep it in mind).

#30 Driving a Semi

On the highway, semi trucks are big, usually slow, and always driven by Men. When the semi truck was first invented in the mid 20th century, a Man saw it and said “I need to drive that right now.” That is just how it works with semi trucks and Men. (it also explains why tonka trucks are the most widely sold Man-in-training toy in the history of the world.

The thing about a semi truck that makes driving one so Manly is that it is literally unstoppable, figuratively. If we take a look at Newton’s law of momentum, p=mv, where p is momentum, m is mass, and v is velocity, we can see that semi trucks, with a mass of 1 billion megapounds, are very momentous objects when in motion. This is what subconsciously draws a Man to them.

Being a semi truck driver tends itself to a very Manly lifestyle. While truckers enjoy a lot of solitude (Manly in and of itself) they also get to do on a daily basis such things as hang out at truck stops, flick off prius drivers, wear cut off flannel shirts, and chew tabacco. Obviously, this is a Manly lifestyle.

The Mantivity score for Driving a Semi is 3.5. You can earn bonus points by having a name like “Hank,” and for hauling especially Manly objects, like Pabst or recently logged trees. Also, if you are a real semi truck driver, and you see someone else who obviously doesn’t drive trucks wearing a “trucker” hat, punch him in the face, so the hat falls off.

#29 Drinking out of the Carton

Often, Men get thirsty. After exerting energy for an extended period of time, a Man needs to find something to quench the dryness in his throat and to prevent dehydration. Water is typically the most suitable liquid to accomplish these things. It has no flavor, its refreshing, and can be poured all over a Man’s head if the heat requires it. The vessel in which the liquid is stored in is important. Anything like this is utterly inappropriate. Liquid containers such as wrought iron chalices, cans made by union dudes, or gloriously frosty mugs are superior. But perhaps the Manliest way to quench a Man’s thirst is by drinking straight out of the carton.

Carton here can refer a milk-style carton or even a plastic gallon jug. The gallon jug is a Man-favorite, as it is used widely as a container for various liquids, including water, and it can be refilled with other Manly beverages. When a Man does get thirsty, he needs to re-hydrate quickly. Often, there is no time to find a smaller container to hold a Man’s beverage and he needs to drink straight out of the carton. This is typically disgusting to women, which is almost always bonus Mantivity points.

The Mantivity score for quenching thirst this way is 2.8. A Man can most easily earn bonus points by spilling all over his shirt and the floor or ground beneath him. If disgusted women are present, the score increases if any type of scolding is completely ignored. Points are subtracted if the Man fails to grunt or make noise announcing his satisfaction. It is also recommended, if at all possible, to make drinking out of the carton part of your Sunday or Saturday morning routine. There is no better way to kick off a day of lawn mowing and installing things than to roll out of bed and take a long deep swig straight from the carton.

#27 Being From Eastern Europe

Most people learn some time during high school that eastern Europe has been pushed around for a long time. First, there were Julius Caesar’s attempts to wrestle it from the hands of the Germanic tribes and what not. Then there was Attila the Hun, who killed everyone who lived there, twice. After that, there was Napoleon, then Hitler, then the Communists.

Today, much of Eastern Europe has joined the European union, kind of like the long-awaited delivery from the clutches of hell or something. The people there, however, have long since had it hardwired into their DNA to be Manly enough to take on whatever the world throws at them – whether it be Nazi bullets, or savage beasts. This is evident in modern day examples of Eastern Europeans.

For starters, people from Eastern Europe nearly always have a five o’clock shadow, and all of them smoke cigarettes all the time. They do not smoke fancy American cigarettes though, those have not been introduced into the backwards economies of the former Soviet Union yet. The cigarettes they smoke are homemade, and usually include a large amount of toxic waste (Mantivity: smoking toxic-waste cigarettes). Eastern Europeans are also usually abnormally big, although their clumsiness often precludes them from any success in the NBA.

If you have ever met someone from Eastern Europe, you probably made two observations. The first was that they were dressed very oddly - perhaps in a sweat suit that was definitely owned by Vanilla Ice at some point. The second is that they were very comfortable holding and using automatic weaponry like AK-47s. To address the first point - Eastern Europeans have little guidance on style. Unlike Men in america, they cannot consult the Cabelas catalog to make sure they are wearing Manly clothing. This is okay though, because not having a sense of style is Man’s nature. To address the second point - this is very Manly.

The Mantivity score for being from Eastern Europe is 1.5. This is a perpetual score, which means that when people from Eastern Europe do anything at all, they start with a base Mantivity score of 1.5. If they are doing something with a neutral score, such as drinking ice water, then the score is 1.5. If they are doing something with a negative score, such as buying a poodle, the scores will cancel out. Etc.

#26 Mowing the Lawn

One of the Manliest smells in the world is the combination of fresh cut grass and gasoline. Recent studies at Harvard and Yale have determined that this aroma mixture actually increases the chemical balance of testosterone in any Man lucky enough to smell it. Mowing the lawn is a timeless Mantivity, dating back to the era of caveMen, when maintaining a neatly trimmed front-lawn let ferocious animals know that a Man resided in that cave. These creatures understood that they risked certain-death by attempting to settle in a Man’s cave.

Today, mowing the lawn is a simpler task. At least once a week, usually on Saturday, a Man should head out to his garage and fire up his 2-cycle, gasoline-engine mower and take care of his yard. Using a riding mower is only Manly if the lawn is over one acre in size. Beware of any electrical mower, which, unless it’s solar powered, requires the use of extension cords and is thus practically vacuuming. This is inappropriate and unManly. A Man’s first lawn mower is important and should be passed down from father to son around the age of 13, when a Man-in-training assumes his father’s lawn mowing duties, usually for about two dollars an hour, the minimum wage in Mississippi.

Obviously, there are Men who aren’t lucky enough to have a lawn because they live in urban areas, in deserts, or on aircraft carriers. Yet these Men undoubtedly understand the Manly nature of mowing the lawn. Women think it smells bad, it is conducted outdoors, and it burns a fossil fuel. Mowing the lawn earns a 3.2 Mantivity score. The score decreases for using the environmentally friendly push mower, a vacuum-style electric mower, or a riding mower for less than one acre (note: serious bonus points for using a Machete. Or a Chainsaw). Next time you see a Man mowing a lawn, be sure to give him a nod of recognition. Nothing more is required to celebrate the Mantivity you both know he is undertaking.

#25 Bushwhacking

Ever been lost in the Adirondacks, with nighttime rapidly approaching? Ever found yourself tracking a black Rhino in sub-Saharan Africa? Ever been in the Marines, following a band of Communist spies? If you have answered yes to any of these questions, than you have surely been Bushwhacking.

Bushwhacking is what Men do when they are surrounded by obnoxious and prickly branches, leaves, and thorns. Before the invention of bicycles, cars, and Silverados, bushwhacking was the next step up for transportation, after walking. In the modern age, however, a Man bushwhacks not out of choice, but out of necessity - because the bush lies between the Man and his objective, whether it be the Viet Kong, a nearly extinct species, or a large batch of treasure. Upon realizing that bushwhacking is his only option, the Man will whip out his machete and begin swinging like his first name is Tiger.

More often than not, 10 minutes into an episode of bushwhacking, a Man will begin to sweat profusely, causing him to rip off his shirt sleeves for use as bandannas, and attracting an abnormal amount of mosquitoes. He should end up looking something like Rambo. When he returns from bushwhacking, the Man will smell like a pack of coyotes, and he should have numerous cuts across legs, arms, and face.

The Mantivity score for several hours of hardcore bushwhacking in the described manner is 3.7. Of course, bushwhacking is often just a piece of another Mantivity, so a lot depends on the reason for the bushwhacking. But trust me, if you are doing this, you can bet the farm that your score is really high.

#24 Packing a Car

Every once in awhile, a Man has to re-locate. He has to take his furniture, TV, and other valuable possessions and find a way to move them while incurring the least amount of financial damage. This is best achieved by using the pick-up truck or SUV the Man undoubtedly owns. If he does not have this type of vehicle, the Man needs to first allow his gonads to drop, and then afterwards, he will have to borrow the proper vehicle from a Manly friend.

Before moving day, the Man should ask another Manly friend to assist him in the process, as he will also undoubtedly own a heinously large television, which will require at least two Men to move. The most important part of the moving process is cramming as much of the Man’s belongings into the vehicle. The packing of the vehicle must use space with extreme efficiency, and it must involve a two-Man deliberation over the packing-strategy. As with all Mantivity discussions, non-chalance and grunting are paramount.

Packing the car is also important for road trips. It is the duty of the Man in the family to be able to jam the car to the brim with all the useless crap that the women are bringing along, and then still be able to fit the awesome gift they picked up on the vacation. The packing situation should always look grim and the Man should always prevail, using his icy determination and a simple re-organization strategy that more effectively uses the inches of space left. Also, the Man’s dog should not be locked in his kennel and then tied down to the roof.

The Mantivity score for packing a vehicle with uncanny efficiency and the appropriate level of packing-strategy discussion is a 3.4. Obviously, the score is lower if aspects of this Mantivity are omitted or if unManly items are packed in the vehicle. Bonus points if rope or bungee cords are used to strap stuff down.

#23 Owning a Lazy Boy

When it comes time, at the end of a long day of work, for a Man to relax and enjoy a cold beverage and a hot meal, a Lazy Boy is, quite simply, the premier option for Manly unwinding. Womenfolk are often confused by a Man’s insistence on owning a chair that extends so as to nearly become a bed – why not get a couch, or a chair with an ottoman? - they ask. But they do not understand.

The Lazy Boy, is, in fact, an ancient relative of the royal throne. Like a big chair made out of gold, a Lazy Boy makes a man feel as if the world is at his feet. In fact, when he pulls the lever, his feet and the world are actually several inches apart, but really, this doesn’t matter. A Man in a Lazy Boy needs not think about his feet, as they are probably taken care of.

Besides being a Man’s evening tabernacle, the Lazy Boy also serves another important purpose. When game day comes around, a Man’s status is sharply elevated as soon as his friends see him in his Lazy Boy. It is the only thing in the room that might get more attention than his 8 foot flat screen television, as his friends will immediately want to test the comfort of the Lazy Boy. Upon sitting in it they will make a sound halfway between a “wow” and an “ahhh.” This essentially means “your Lazy Boy is very comfortable. I think I will talk to my significant other about the acquisition of a similar product.”

The Mantivity score for owning a Lazy Boy ranges from 2.9-3.2. You will be able to tell when you are in the store which chairs will grab the highest scores (hint, they have built in coolers). Go get ‘em.

#22 Speaking Over the Intercom

“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain speaking.” Almost all of us have experienced this moment; the moment a Man, using one of the most explosive substances on the planet, flies a 34 ton piece of aluminum, 35,000 feet above the ground, and tells us about it with an icy cool. Few Men get the opportunity to come over an intercom system, but when that chance arrives, they should know they are in good company.

Manly uses of an intercom system include a pilot on commercial airlines, a stadium announcer at a sporting event, and inspiring speeches right before the largest aerial battle in the history of Mankind. The proper etiquette for intercom use is paramount, as improper use can result in the disintegration of the Mantivity status associated with this activity. Men should have a natural non-chalance and confidence in their voice that both relaxes those in its range yet inspires them to believe. Men shall not use the intercom with seriously varying levels of vocal inflection, nor shall they be anything but short and to the point; talking to much over the intercom detracts from the overall Mantivity rating.

A man comes over an intercom and says “the local time is 3:52 in the afternoon, temperature is 42 degrees; we hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago”, or “eight yards gained on the play, first down”. If the Man adheres to proper etiquette then the Mantivity rating for speaking over the intercom is 3.2. Men should be wary of saying unManly things when using an intercom, they become exponentially more public and thus, even more unManly. Do not, under any circumstances, sing Sir Mix-a-lot over the intercom, for this is childish and rude.