#33 Playing the Drums

Music is confusing to Men. Sometimes, it makes them feel “emotions,” an experience which can be upsetting and infuriating for a Man who just wants to watch the game. Other music makes them want to sing and dance, which can be embarrassing and unManly. One source of music, however, has always made logical sense in the mind of Men: the drums.

The fact is, playing the drums is much closer to getting in a bar fight than it is to singing or blowing on a flute. It takes focus, power, and some deeply buried source of anger (messed up childhood, addiction to cocaine, the inability to find a favorite wrench, etc). Man’s natural reaction to anger is to pound on things - doing this with rhythm is just taking it one step further.

The Manliness of drumming can be traced back to the days when wars were decided by who was more pissed off. Leaders of Men found that drums were capable of whipping certain Men into a frenzy that transformed them into unstoppable forces on the battle field. The Men that had this reaction to the drums died less often than the Men who felt nothing when drums were played. Natural selection did the rest.

The Mantivity score for playing the drums is 2.8. Generally, a drummer’s appearance does not matter, he should just avoid looking like a douche bag (ie, if you are a beginner, or just untalented - don’t take your shirt off when you play, that looks stupid). Bonus points can be earned if your drumming causes fights or if you are using atypical apparatus, like a trash can or a set of human skulls.

#30 Driving a Semi

On the highway, semi trucks are big, usually slow, and always driven by Men. When the semi truck was first invented in the mid 20th century, a Man saw it and said “I need to drive that right now.” That is just how it works with semi trucks and Men. (it also explains why tonka trucks are the most widely sold Man-in-training toy in the history of the world.

The thing about a semi truck that makes driving one so Manly is that it is literally unstoppable, figuratively. If we take a look at Newton’s law of momentum, p=mv, where p is momentum, m is mass, and v is velocity, we can see that semi trucks, with a mass of 1 billion megapounds, are very momentous objects when in motion. This is what subconsciously draws a Man to them.

Being a semi truck driver tends itself to a very Manly lifestyle. While truckers enjoy a lot of solitude (Manly in and of itself) they also get to do on a daily basis such things as hang out at truck stops, flick off prius drivers, wear cut off flannel shirts, and chew tabacco. Obviously, this is a Manly lifestyle.

The Mantivity score for Driving a Semi is 3.5. You can earn bonus points by having a name like “Hank,” and for hauling especially Manly objects, like Pabst or recently logged trees. Also, if you are a real semi truck driver, and you see someone else who obviously doesn’t drive trucks wearing a “trucker” hat, punch him in the face, so the hat falls off.

#22 Speaking Over the Intercom

“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain speaking.” Almost all of us have experienced this moment; the moment a Man, using one of the most explosive substances on the planet, flies a 34 ton piece of aluminum, 35,000 feet above the ground, and tells us about it with an icy cool. Few Men get the opportunity to come over an intercom system, but when that chance arrives, they should know they are in good company.

Manly uses of an intercom system include a pilot on commercial airlines, a stadium announcer at a sporting event, and inspiring speeches right before the largest aerial battle in the history of Mankind. The proper etiquette for intercom use is paramount, as improper use can result in the disintegration of the Mantivity status associated with this activity. Men should have a natural non-chalance and confidence in their voice that both relaxes those in its range yet inspires them to believe. Men shall not use the intercom with seriously varying levels of vocal inflection, nor shall they be anything but short and to the point; talking to much over the intercom detracts from the overall Mantivity rating.

A man comes over an intercom and says “the local time is 3:52 in the afternoon, temperature is 42 degrees; we hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago”, or “eight yards gained on the play, first down”. If the Man adheres to proper etiquette then the Mantivity rating for speaking over the intercom is 3.2. Men should be wary of saying unManly things when using an intercom, they become exponentially more public and thus, even more unManly. Do not, under any circumstances, sing Sir Mix-a-lot over the intercom, for this is childish and rude.

#20 Being a Father

A great deal of Men feel compelled to further the code of Manliness by bringing a child into the world. We suggest a Man-in-training for the first born. We do not in anyway believe that raising a daughter is any less rewarding or less Manly. However, by having the Man-in-training first, over 50% of the father’s duties are assumed by the Man-in-Training at the age of sixteen. Some of those passed on duties include: lawn mowing, undertaking elementary Man-projects, and threatening violence towards the boyfriends of younger females in the family.

Fatherhood requires patience, dedication, and the ability to teach and pass on family customs of Manliness. These traditions vary, but they range from dress-code to grilling techniques, from how to pee standing up to when and how to get into a fight. While things like instruction on the best way to tie a knot are important, teaching is only half the battle. The direct role the father plays in his child’s life is equally paramount.

With daughters, fathers should encourage the pursuit of whatever the girl has an interest in, be it sports, art, music, scholastic pursuits, or interior design. With Men-in-training, fathers should accept their son’s choices, but particularly celebrate the pursuit of athletics, especially with Manly sports (ie football, hockey, etc).

An effective way to do this is by being the coach of the Man-in-training’s 5th grade team. There is almost no limit to how seriously the father can take his position as coach, including demanding that his son refer to him as coach during the season regardless of circumstances. If the Man is not the coach, he must be a loyal and knowledgeable fan, perhaps unofficially assuming the position of assistant coach for games. Note: Using the “coach” technique to encourage sports for a daughter is equally effective.

Quality fathering scores a 3.4 on the Mantivity rating system. The score is dependent upon the caliber of the child at the age of 18, the capacity of the child to father when their time comes, and how whole-heartedly the child believes his dad was a Jedi Knight earlier in life.

#17 Chainsawing

This is a situation that every Man faces at some point in life: you are driving down a road in the forest, perhaps searching for goldbeer, when you come across a fallen tree that has blocked the pathway. At this point, a Man has three options. He can: A) Give up, and return to his lame, beerless life B) build a ramp, and attempt to jump the tree, or C) Chainsaw.

Of course, a Man will choose option C eleven times out of twelve (and he will die in a horrible tree jumping accident one time out of twelve). By doing this, he can continue his search for beer, impress the girls in the back of his Silverado, and, most importantly, complete a kick ass Mantivity. Chainsawing is the pinnacle of Manly ruggedness; its usage is both violent and beautiful, for while a Man can use it to destroy, he can also use it to create. The noise it emits, while violent and frightening to the typical ear, is glorious music to a Man (See Dupre, Jesse James, of Jackyl).

Using a chainsaw is, of course, dangerous. A wrong cut can lead to lost limbs and other horrible accidents. As a general rule for any Manitvity, danger only increases the Mantivity score, and in this case, it also adds an element of excitement to the chainsawing excursion. Nonetheless, as not having limbs reduces the opportunities to be Manly, we recommend the following: that a Man make sure his saw is well oiled before usage, that the Man wears goggles, gloves, orange clothes, and a cup, and that he uses proper technique, especially when felling a tree.

The Mantivity score for chainsawing is 3.2 for a single chainsaw event, up to 3.7 for more extended usage, such as clearing large swaths of the untamed wilderness. Also, if a Man plays his cards right, he can end up chainsawing for a living, either as a lumberjack (future post), a park ranger (future post), a chainsaw artist, or a firefighter in the national forest service. These are obviously very Manly employment opportunities, and should be pursued with all possible fervor.

#15 Being the Coach

Have you ever seen a person alone on a football field on a hot summer day, and asked yourself what in God’s great glory would cause a person to run 50 yards back and forth until he throws up, has a heat stroke, and breaks his femur? Rhetorical question, the answer is obvious. The Coach.

Becoming a Coach instantly transforms a person into one of society’s most revered figures. The coach is a leader and an expert; a mentor and a tyrant. He always holds a clipboard, but never looks at it. He has a hat that is at least 50 years old. His wife is, surprisingly, really nice.

To be a coach, a Man must be capable of doing several things. He must be able to make other men cry – whether he does this through loads of shouting and cursing, or through subtle psychological attacks is the Man’s choice. He must be able to spit several times a minute. He must be able to convince everyone that he was once the greatest athlete alive, but was forced out by some unforeseen circumstance (ie gruesome injury, went to Nam).

Once a man becomes a coach, he is a new person. If his name was Richard Longbottom, he is no longer called Rich, Richard, or Mr. Longbottom, he is now Coach Dick or Coach L to everyone - even his wife. He must never smile (one exception.) He is also now prepared to answer any life question about anything, and usually with a story that includes his experience in the war, or the time he went up against Dick Butkus when he was at Illinois.

The Mantivity score for being a coach ranges depending on sport. The manliest sport to coach is Football, followed closely by hockey. The score for football is 3.1, 3.3 if your name includes a Manly animal species (Bear, Wolf, Lion).

#10 Installing Things

Men are often asked to undertake important tasks. The installations of home improvement items, electrical systems, car parts, and other similar things, are jobs that Men are frequently called to tackle. It is a burden in some respects, but make no mistake, these are duties Men enjoy. It provides a natural testosterone boost and something to casually discuss at the next chance encounter with other Men.

The typical circumstance for a Man’s installation of something goes as follows: A woman requests that the Man install a particular item in her home and/or car. It is bonus points if the woman is not directly engaged in a serious relationship with the Man and lives in an entirely different home. The Man accepts the request with nonchalance and heads to the installation site with his own set of tools and equipment. It is here where he undertakes the first on-site assessment of the situation and deems the project more complex and difficult than anticipated.

That, of course, is not a problem, but a blessing for the Mantivity score. The Man knows this, but the woman does not. The Man reacts accordingly. For example, “Yes, that does mean I’ll have to move this three ton concrete block with just my bare hands. No, no, I don’t think it will be a problem. I’m here, might as well get it done.”Any verbal exaggeration in this regard is deemed appropriate, but it is important that the Man appear confident and undeterred.

A Man can also install things professionally by becoming a cable guy, a plumber, or a Home Depot installation expert. This is a Manly way to make a living. The variables associated with this Mantivity mean that there is large score range. It ranges from 2.7 to 3.5 depending on what is being installed and where (for example, installing a new carburetor in an old car receives a higher score than installing a towel rack in a pink bathroom). Bonus points for using tools, becoming dirty, and not referring to any kind of directional-like reading materials for assistance.

#1 Being a Firefighter

In the media, firefighters are generally portrayed in a very Manly way. This is no exaggeration. When a firefighter goes into a fire, his balls grow to the size of baseballs. Softballs if he is carrying an axe. They have protective equipment for this.

90% of being a fire fighter is waiting around, 10% adrenaline rush. Men are exceptionally well designed for this job. During the waiting period, fire fighters develop talents that make them among the Manliest Men around. They practice carrying stuff over their shoulders, climbing up ladders, and splitting things with their axes. When they are not practicing their fire fighting skills, they often spend their time gambling, arm wrestling, and reading Maxim.

It is when there is a fire, however, that a fire fighter’s Manliness truly shines. In this situation, a firefighter has the opportunity to prove that he is Manly by completing a dangerous mission. If he succeeds, he will be a hero, and alive. If he fails, he will probably get an article about his death in the local newspaper. This does not apply to fire fighters with the national forest service, whose job is less glamorous, and therefore more Manly.

Being a firefighter has a 3.5 to 3.75 Mantivity score. The score depends on some circumstances, particularly the frequency of large fires and axe usage. Small Men-in-training across America dream of becoming a firefighter someday, as well they should. Being a fire fighter is a full time Mantivity that requires patriotism and an abnormal supply of testosterone.