#19 Gaining Altitude

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From birth, it is Man’s natural instinct to be higher than he is at the moment, and higher than all those around him. Anyone with male children can testify to boys’ insatiable desire to climb things – boulders, ladders, trees, large animals. As these boys become Men, their desire to gain altitude is refined, and reflected in more ambitious and difficult altitude-gaining Mantivities.

The most obvious of these is mountain climbing. Although not all Men are interested in mountain climbing, every Man at some point dreams of standing on top of a mountain and shouting something victorious, or perhaps urinating. Of course, the ultimate feat of altitude gaining is the climbing of Mount Everest – successfully completing this Mantivity puts a Man at near immortal status (the Mantivity score is 4.7, 4.9 if done without oxygen).

Another example of Men gaining altitude occurs in the corporate world. Here, we see the creation of large towers, whose sole purpose is to provide Men with the opportunity to gain altitude (The Male species is the only one capable of this). Once the towers are built, the highest offices with the most majestic views are taken by the most successful and powerful Men. Indeed, it is often said that a Man’s success can be judged by the size of his salaryaltitude of his office.

The list goes on, and some of these will be touched on in future posts (being a pilot, slam-dunking, being an astronaut), but before concluding this discussion, it is important to understand why Men want to gain altitude. The answer stems from the ancient times, when kings and emperors built their castles on the highest possible point, so as to make them safe from attack, and to intimidate the peasants in the valley below. Every Man secretly yearns to be a King, and Man’s desire to gain altitude stems from this ancient impulse. The Mantivity score for gaining altitude literally ranges from 0.1 to 4.9, as there are almost infinite ways to do this. Be creative!

Update: Boone pointed out to me that the third paragraph implies that a Man’s success is related to his salary. This is true only in the context of the business world. A Man’s overall success (read, Manliness) is judged by a much more extensive and complex criterion, ie has he or has he not ever killed a lion with his bare hands.

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5 Responses to “#19 Gaining Altitude”

  1. imaG Says:

    True I gain altitude on roller coasters.

    http://www.anythingblack.net

  2. chriscasey Says:

    What kind of score do I get for grabbing a water moccasin and throwing it? I didn’t wear gloves, and their venom can kill you. I didn’t know it was a dangerous snake at the time, does my ignorance detract from the score?
    The women were freakin’ and I just grabbed it. What do you think?

  3. Daniel Boone Says:

    Where was the snake thrown and how far? How many women were present? Were you camping/fishing/hiking at the time of the incident? How nonchalant were you at the time?

  4. chriscasey Says:

    I threw the snake about 10 yards into the lake. It was maybe 5 or 6 feet long. There were 6 of us, 3 guys, 3 girls. Even the guys were acting sissy. I’d had about enough of having to do everything at the campsite. I just stomped over, grabbed it about halfway down as it slithered next to the tent, and tossed it. I think I was more disgusted with the two guys for being such sissies than anything. My girl at the time, she grabbed a frying pan and was trying to whack at it, but missing. It’s been 27 years. I dropped out of college and I went on to join the army. I was a demolitions man. i really enjoyed blowing stuff up. Am I manly, or just crazy, or some of both. I need perspective from real men, not these girliemen I have to work with.

  5. Daniel Boone Says:

    The throwing of the snake was a 3.9 Mantivity. The only way the score could have been higher is if, instead of throwing it, you simply tore the water moccasin in half.

    Joining the military will be a future post. Based on the information provided here, there is little doubt you are a Man.

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