In the grand hierarchy of this world, there’s no question who sits at top: Men. Rational, maneuverable, passionate, nomadic, hungry—Men possess all the qualities that have placed them, and keep them, at the top. Men know life at the top can be dangerous; especially when the 2nd Place-ers are conniving for our demise, spending every waking moment eating each other and being filmed for documentaries—no, not women, rather the animal kingdom. That’s why Men have engaged in the age old Mantivity: the domestication of animals.
From the days of Homer, when Men were making horses their collective bitch, to the days of Medieval Europe when the nobility used foxes to hunt woodland critters, to the era of messenger pigeons in the 20th century; Men have been hard at work keeping those underlings in their place.
Yet it hasn’t been all fun and games for Men, sometimes we let the animals have some fun out of the graciousness of our being, see: Shamu the Whale. Sometimes Men find that they need to exert their power more frequently, that they need to have that constant reminder of their supremacy. In cases like these, Men will sometimes take on a pet for their home.
Ask any self respecting man on the street, and the animal they have is a dog. Why, you ask? Simple. Dogs are in the same family as Wolves, and Wolves are the most bad ass beings ever. Wolves are so bad ass, some men have even tried to be raised by them, just to get some pointers on life. Men tried domesticating wolves once, but found their constant howling at night and spontaneous blood-thirstiness slightly annoying. So we went for dogs, or as some have misnomered, “Man’s Best Friend.” Let me tell you something, dogs are our best friends because we let them be. And because they help us pick up chicks, sometimes.
Domesticating a dog can also be a good sign of one’s Manliness. Want to get a good feel for a fellow Man? Ask him what type of animal he has. German Shepherd? Awesome, beer me. Lhasa Ipso? Check your surroundings. A Cat? Run.
The Mantivity score for domesticating animals is a solid 3.4. All Men possess the basic qualities to rule over animals: determination, brawn, bipedalism, opposable thumbs, etc… Yet some Men ignore their God-Given abilities, and live a life devoid of the good pleasures in this world, like buying a turtle, naming it “Woman,” and then partaking in expressions such as: “Get over here, Woman.” and “Eat up, Woman.” and the infamous, “Why are you so slow today, Woman?”