Author Archive

#43 Snow Maintenance

January 23, 2009

Men are at war. We’re a conflict oriented being. Whether we’re waging battles against fascists, body odor, or Weight Watchers; we thrive on a good conflict. Fight the good fight, we say; but there are some battles that no matter how hard we fight, keep coming back. These battles are fought against our age-old, ever-persistent, Al Gore befriended enemy: the Elements. Whether it’s noble Americans fighting hurricanes in the Gulf Coast, lackluster wimps in France fighting a generous Mediterranean climate, or Bear Grylls eating raw eggs and drinking his own urine to survive, Men are consistently on the offensive.

Yet in the scope of these battles, there lies one front that showcases the toughest of all Men: the American Midwest. In these majestic states, Men are in a constant state of warfare with all the various elements—side-sweeping rain, wild wind, comfortable summertime breezes, and devastating blizzards. It is in this last category where an age old Mantivity lies.

Snow is like Communism. It touches and effects everyone in a community, it can cause car accidents and death, and it spends most of its time in USSR. Furthermore, when it comes rolling into the town, it’s up to the blue blooded men of the community to end it.

In the winter months, Men are called to face the “White Bear” at all hours, but probably at a time when the women in their lives demand it. Tackling this demon with only their shovels, machines, and less than helpful little brothers, these brave young Men develop skills that will take them to the big stage: owning a truck with a snow plow on the front.

While completely unnecessary, obtrusive, and obnoxious in all other seasons, and a sure shot of one’s economic status, the truck with snow plow attached is the epitome of Manhood in snow maintenance. These valiant Men attack the public streets of their community, or simply make the streets, any where they want to go.

The Mantivity rating for Snow maintenance is a 3.1.  The score is determined, in part, because of the low requirements necessary to own a truck with snow plow (namely, the ability to forgo the acquirement of a degree from an accredited four-year institution). Bonus points can be earned if you help strangers get their car out of the snow. This obviously never happens for Men because we own heinously large trucks with four wheel drive.

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#41 Domesticating Animals

January 5, 2009

In the grand hierarchy of this world, there’s no question who sits at top: Men. Rational, maneuverable, passionate, nomadic, hungry—Men possess all the qualities that have placed them, and keep them, at the top. Men know life at the top can be dangerous; especially when the 2nd Place-ers are conniving for our demise, spending every waking moment eating each other and being filmed for documentaries—no, not women, rather the animal kingdom. That’s why Men have engaged in the age old Mantivity: the domestication of animals.

From the days of Homer, when Men were making horses their collective bitch, to the days of Medieval Europe when the nobility used foxes to hunt woodland critters, to the era of messenger pigeons in the 20th century; Men have been hard at work keeping those underlings in their place. img022

Yet it hasn’t been all fun and games for Men, sometimes we let the animals have some fun out of the graciousness of our being, see: Shamu the Whale. Sometimes Men find that they need to exert their power more frequently, that they need to have that constant reminder of their supremacy. In cases like these, Men will sometimes take on a pet for their home.

Ask any self respecting man on the street, and the animal they have is a dog. Why, you ask? Simple. Dogs are in the same family as Wolves, and Wolves are the most bad ass beings ever. Wolves are so bad ass, some men have even tried to be raised by them, just to get some pointers on life. Men tried domesticating wolves once, but found their constant howling at night and spontaneous blood-thirstiness slightly annoying. So we went for dogs, or as some have misnomered, “Man’s Best Friend.” Let me tell you something, dogs are our best friends because we let them be. And because they help us pick up chicks, sometimes.

Domesticating a dog can also be a good sign of one’s Manliness. Want to get a good feel for a fellow Man? Ask him what type of animal he has. German Shepherd? Awesome, beer me. Lhasa Ipso? Check your surroundings. A Cat? Run.

The Mantivity score for domesticating animals is a solid 3.4.   All Men possess the basic qualities to rule over animals: determination, brawn, bipedalism, opposable thumbs, etc… Yet some Men ignore their God-Given abilities, and live a life devoid of the good pleasures in this world, like buying a turtle, naming it “Woman,” and then partaking in expressions such as: “Get over here, Woman.” and “Eat up, Woman.” and the infamous, “Why are you so slow today, Woman?”

#40 Baling Hay

December 17, 2008

Since the dawn of Man, there have been Men doing hard labor. Among these Men, there have been Men that were a cut above the rest—Men so chock-filled with testosterone, they make Sean Connery blush. These are your hay-balers. It takes a special kind of man to bale hay, the type of man who rises with the sun, and is only forced into quitting once the sun gives up, after a mere 26 hours. 2316340495_80316789f9_o

Well equipped with his family’s most cherished heirloom, Ole Jasper (their trusty pitchfork), this man attacks the field like TO to antidepressants; and, should some filthy tree-huggers threaten his constituency, Ole Jasper quickly evolves into an extension of the 2nd Amendment, storming the castle, town hall, etc, to quickly put down some radical new movement.

The Hay-Baler’s backbone lies not with in his back, but in his forearms. It takes massive muscles to be able to make shucking a 80 pound pile of compost into the back of a truck look like throwing dice.

The Mantivity score for hay-baling is 3.2. While the hay-baler earns big bonus points for spitting, physical fitness, owning multiple dogs, wearing overalls and flannel, and not being able to locate Yugoslavia on a map, he loses points for above average vocabulary size, knowledge of anything outside of the borders of his state (should be in the Midwest) and the usage of any sort of hay-baling machine/robot.