Archive for the ‘1.0-1.5’ Category

#27 Being From Eastern Europe

May 20, 2008

Most people learn some time during high school that eastern Europe has been pushed around for a long time. First, there were Julius Caesar’s attempts to wrestle it from the hands of the Germanic tribes and what not. Then there was Attila the Hun, who killed everyone who lived there, twice. After that, there was Napoleon, then Hitler, then the Communists.

Today, much of Eastern Europe has joined the European union, kind of like the long-awaited delivery from the clutches of hell or something. The people there, however, have long since had it hardwired into their DNA to be Manly enough to take on whatever the world throws at them – whether it be Nazi bullets, or savage beasts. This is evident in modern day examples of Eastern Europeans.

For starters, people from Eastern Europe nearly always have a five o’clock shadow, and all of them smoke cigarettes all the time. They do not smoke fancy American cigarettes though, those have not been introduced into the backwards economies of the former Soviet Union yet. The cigarettes they smoke are homemade, and usually include a large amount of toxic waste (Mantivity: smoking toxic-waste cigarettes). Eastern Europeans are also usually abnormally big, although their clumsiness often precludes them from any success in the NBA.

If you have ever met someone from Eastern Europe, you probably made two observations. The first was that they were dressed very oddly – perhaps in a sweat suit that was definitely owned by Vanilla Ice at some point. The second is that they were very comfortable holding and using automatic weaponry like AK-47s. To address the first point – Eastern Europeans have little guidance on style. Unlike Men in america, they cannot consult the Cabelas catalog to make sure they are wearing Manly clothing. This is okay though, because not having a sense of style is Man’s nature. To address the second point – this is very Manly.

The Mantivity score for being from Eastern Europe is 1.5. This is a perpetual score, which means that when people from Eastern Europe do anything at all, they start with a base Mantivity score of 1.5. If they are doing something with a neutral score, such as drinking ice water, then the score is 1.5. If they are doing something with a negative score, such as buying a poodle, the scores will cancel out. Etc.

Advertisements