Archive for the ‘1.5-2.0’ Category

#49 Handshakes

January 9, 2012

It has been theorized that Men are descended from apelike creatures, and that through a process called evolution Men emerged as a distinct species.  Darwin postulated that the most badass members of any species would survive, thereby passing on their genes.  He called this idea survival of the fittest.  It was ground breaking when he came out with it, circa 1963. While natural selection fails to explain a majority of Manly traits–such as the desire to drink alcohol, an innate understanding of internal combustion engines, an inability to cry outside of situations dealing with football, or a need for a loyal dog–we accept the theory because the premise (the Men who most ably spread their seed win in the end) makes Manly sense.  It also explains the source of a time-honored Mantivity: handshakes.

Handshakes are remnants of a time when Men could not communicate verbally, and thus were forced to use hand signals to say every day things like “I’m hungry!” (stomach rub) “I’m full!” (stomach pat) and “I’m going to kill you!” (throat slice).  A hand shake was a way for one man to say to another man “Hello, I am your friend, or at least I am not your enemy.  I have not come to steal your mate or your food.” In today’s world, handshakes are totally unnecessary, as we could communicate those things in any number of ways that do not require physical contact.

Yet handshakes have developed to be more than just a greeting.  A handshake communicates a lot about a Man.  For example, a Man who grasps your hand too tightly probably lacks self confidence.  However, a Man whose grip is weak and buttery probably lacks resolve.  A man who shakes your hands while holding your elbow is probably a slimy politician.

In recent years, new forms of hand shakes have emerged.  There is the “high five,” reserved for frat boys, computer programmers, and sports fans.  There is the Manshake, which we obviously favor.  Perhaps most versatile of all is the fist bump, which can be used in any number of settings including when seeing an old friend, after getting married, or while in the process of killing Osama Bin Laden.

Handshakes are a simple yet integral part of being a Man.  While they do not garner a high Mantivity score (1.7), it is important for every Man to have developed a good technique of the basic handshake, and to have a firm understanding of the other varieties of handshakes, as the handshake is a basic element of life as a Man.

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#38 Being Lazy

November 10, 2008

Ed. note: this post should help to explain why Daniel Boone and I have not posted in a very long time. We apologize for this inconsiderate (although Manly) behavior.

Men love sleeping. And lazy boys. And beer. This is because Men are by nature a lazy species. This is obvious when one considers the things Men are willing to pay the most money for, large televisions, luxurious boats, and private chefs being some good examples.

Some people reading this internet web-blog posting will argue that Men are not lazy, citing countless examples of hard-working Men. Of course, this is a misleading argument. It is true that a Man’s laziness can be trumped by other more urgent endeavors, but in the end, it is to laziness that a Man will always return. Many Men become confused when they are young, and think that a good way to spend free time is by kayaking and going for jogs. Eventually these Men realize that the only reason they do this is to have an excuse for the laziness that inevitably follows their “exercise,” and they soon stop pointlessly wasting energy, as Man needs no excuse for laziness.

There is no historical, evolutionary, or religious explanation for the laziness of Men. It has never been advantageous to prefer sleep to hard work, not even during the ice age, and definitely not during the 90s. Women clearly prefer Men who are willing to work hard to get what they want (there are exceptions). God has frowned upon laziness, at least since 2001. So why, then, are Men so lazy? I’m going to go take a nap while I think about it.

#34 Obtaining Scars

July 25, 2008

Over the course of a Man’s life, he does a lot of things that leave marks on his skin. These marks can be burns, bruises, and most important of them, scars, which last the longest and therefore provide the most time for a Man to discuss the Mantivity that undoubtedly left the mark. The two tenets of obtaining scars are the Manliness of the activity that led to its obtainment and how the Man discusses the scar.

There are many different types of scars, each from a different cause. A common scar is one resulting from a surgery. Typically, this is not Manly, though there are some qualifications to that, like if the surgery is performed without anesthesia, with a buck knife in the wild, or if the surgery is performed 20 feet from live combat. Scars obtained over the course of a fight are typically more Manly than surgerical scars, and can be among the most Manly, depending on the reason for the fight, the location, and the outcome. If the fight occurred over something like a poorly reserved seat, then the scar is automatically pathetic. But if the fight occurred over the greatness of America or spilled Pabst, then any scars obtained from the battle are legitimate. Almost all Mantivities above a 4.0 score leave scars on the Man completing them, and this is appropriate. If you climb Mt. Everest and walk away unscathed, then you were most likely carried to the top (unManly).

Just as important as the Mantivity which caused the scar, is the way the Man handles scar-discussion in various contexts. As with all Mantivities, nonchalance is of the utmost importance. Regardless of what happened, the event which caused the scar, as painful as it might have been, inflicted minor discomfort and nothing more (for example, if you got a massive burn saving a baby from a fire, you don’t even remember the pain, you just wanted to get the child out of there). A Man should never bring up his own scar. This is simply bad form and ends any opportunity for legitimate nonchalance during the discussion, thus eliminating a major component of the Mantivity.

Obtaining scars is a Mantivity with a larger range, but most scars, if they are the result of a Manly source and the discussion is executed correctly, fall between 1.5 and 4.0. The general rule is that the score cannot be higher than the score of the Mantivity which resulted in the scar itself, though there is an exception. If the scar is intense but caused by an unManly moment or activity, like tripping, cleaning, accidentally hitting your head, or cutting yourself while slicing strawberries, then it is wise for a Man to recall something he did that could have caused the scar, but didn’t, like the story of the wild boar he wrestled in the African Savannah.

#31 Digging

June 22, 2008

A common misconception is that it is Manly to get dirty. This is not the case. The truth is that a lot of Mantivities result in dirtiness, and so many people assume that the dirtiness is itself Manly, but really there are ways to get dirty that are very unManly (ie mudbath). Digging, of course, is the foremost example of a Manly way to get dirty, because the whole idea is to move dirt, and a lot of that dirt will end up on your skin.

Men have a lot of reasons to dig. The most ancient of these is the search for buried treasure, which Men have been doing for a long time. When digging for buried treasure, a Man must use a standard shovel, and then when the shovel runs into something hard (the shovel will make a sound), must get on his knees, and use his bare hands to finish the job. After that he can move to Bermuda, or just go home and watch the game, depending on the nature of the treasure.

More common than the search for buried treasure is the digging done in the construction industry. In the middle ages, the construction industry focused on digging moats, massive trenches, and digging up rocks to build really useful stuff. Today, construction Men dig in order to lay foundations for buildings, and do other important stuff, like reroute rivers and bury nuclear waste.

The fact is, there are plenty of Manly reasons to dig (we haven’t even mentioned all the reasons a Man might dig a tunnel). The Mantivity score varies widely depending on which reason a Man has, but even something as simple as burying some bones for later use will get you a 1.5 (this is more often done by dogs than Men, but keep it in mind).

#27 Being From Eastern Europe

May 20, 2008

Most people learn some time during high school that eastern Europe has been pushed around for a long time. First, there were Julius Caesar’s attempts to wrestle it from the hands of the Germanic tribes and what not. Then there was Attila the Hun, who killed everyone who lived there, twice. After that, there was Napoleon, then Hitler, then the Communists.

Today, much of Eastern Europe has joined the European union, kind of like the long-awaited delivery from the clutches of hell or something. The people there, however, have long since had it hardwired into their DNA to be Manly enough to take on whatever the world throws at them – whether it be Nazi bullets, or savage beasts. This is evident in modern day examples of Eastern Europeans.

For starters, people from Eastern Europe nearly always have a five o’clock shadow, and all of them smoke cigarettes all the time. They do not smoke fancy American cigarettes though, those have not been introduced into the backwards economies of the former Soviet Union yet. The cigarettes they smoke are homemade, and usually include a large amount of toxic waste (Mantivity: smoking toxic-waste cigarettes). Eastern Europeans are also usually abnormally big, although their clumsiness often precludes them from any success in the NBA.

If you have ever met someone from Eastern Europe, you probably made two observations. The first was that they were dressed very oddly – perhaps in a sweat suit that was definitely owned by Vanilla Ice at some point. The second is that they were very comfortable holding and using automatic weaponry like AK-47s. To address the first point – Eastern Europeans have little guidance on style. Unlike Men in america, they cannot consult the Cabelas catalog to make sure they are wearing Manly clothing. This is okay though, because not having a sense of style is Man’s nature. To address the second point – this is very Manly.

The Mantivity score for being from Eastern Europe is 1.5. This is a perpetual score, which means that when people from Eastern Europe do anything at all, they start with a base Mantivity score of 1.5. If they are doing something with a neutral score, such as drinking ice water, then the score is 1.5. If they are doing something with a negative score, such as buying a poodle, the scores will cancel out. Etc.