Archive for the ‘2.0-2.5’ Category

#39 Snowmobiling

November 15, 2008

Men have many options when it comes to spending leisure time. They can shoot animals, get in a bar fight, or not do anything at all. These options, however, become much more limited when a Man finds himself in North Pole, Alaska. In this case a Man must adapt. Thus, Men have invented the snowmobile.

The snowmobile is propelled by a continuous track in the rear, and it is steered by two skis in the front. In this way it is kind of like a mix between a tank and a skiing bear. The end result is an extremely fast, loud, powerful machine that disturbs wildlife and disrupts the tranquility of the great outdoors. It is somewhat similar to a jet ski, except you don’t look like a douche bag when you use it. In fact, you really look like an astronaut. Awesome.

Men love snowmobiling because it is fun, dangerous, and the principal mode of transportation in Canada. The Mantivity score for a day-long snowmobiling excursion is 2.3. This does not include the other Mantivities that will undoubtedly occur on said excursion (ie urinating outside, talking about torque, starting a fire). The Mantivity score for winning a snowmobiling contest of some sort begins at 3.1, and can be as high as 4.0 for winning the Tesoro Iron Dog.

#34 Obtaining Scars

July 25, 2008

Over the course of a Man’s life, he does a lot of things that leave marks on his skin. These marks can be burns, bruises, and most important of them, scars, which last the longest and therefore provide the most time for a Man to discuss the Mantivity that undoubtedly left the mark. The two tenets of obtaining scars are the Manliness of the activity that led to its obtainment and how the Man discusses the scar.

There are many different types of scars, each from a different cause. A common scar is one resulting from a surgery. Typically, this is not Manly, though there are some qualifications to that, like if the surgery is performed without anesthesia, with a buck knife in the wild, or if the surgery is performed 20 feet from live combat. Scars obtained over the course of a fight are typically more Manly than surgerical scars, and can be among the most Manly, depending on the reason for the fight, the location, and the outcome. If the fight occurred over something like a poorly reserved seat, then the scar is automatically pathetic. But if the fight occurred over the greatness of America or spilled Pabst, then any scars obtained from the battle are legitimate. Almost all Mantivities above a 4.0 score leave scars on the Man completing them, and this is appropriate. If you climb Mt. Everest and walk away unscathed, then you were most likely carried to the top (unManly).

Just as important as the Mantivity which caused the scar, is the way the Man handles scar-discussion in various contexts. As with all Mantivities, nonchalance is of the utmost importance. Regardless of what happened, the event which caused the scar, as painful as it might have been, inflicted minor discomfort and nothing more (for example, if you got a massive burn saving a baby from a fire, you don’t even remember the pain, you just wanted to get the child out of there). A Man should never bring up his own scar. This is simply bad form and ends any opportunity for legitimate nonchalance during the discussion, thus eliminating a major component of the Mantivity.

Obtaining scars is a Mantivity with a larger range, but most scars, if they are the result of a Manly source and the discussion is executed correctly, fall between 1.5 and 4.0. The general rule is that the score cannot be higher than the score of the Mantivity which resulted in the scar itself, though there is an exception. If the scar is intense but caused by an unManly moment or activity, like tripping, cleaning, accidentally hitting your head, or cutting yourself while slicing strawberries, then it is wise for a Man to recall something he did that could have caused the scar, but didn’t, like the story of the wild boar he wrestled in the African Savannah.

#31 Digging

June 22, 2008

A common misconception is that it is Manly to get dirty. This is not the case. The truth is that a lot of Mantivities result in dirtiness, and so many people assume that the dirtiness is itself Manly, but really there are ways to get dirty that are very unManly (ie mudbath). Digging, of course, is the foremost example of a Manly way to get dirty, because the whole idea is to move dirt, and a lot of that dirt will end up on your skin.

Men have a lot of reasons to dig. The most ancient of these is the search for buried treasure, which Men have been doing for a long time. When digging for buried treasure, a Man must use a standard shovel, and then when the shovel runs into something hard (the shovel will make a sound), must get on his knees, and use his bare hands to finish the job. After that he can move to Bermuda, or just go home and watch the game, depending on the nature of the treasure.

More common than the search for buried treasure is the digging done in the construction industry. In the middle ages, the construction industry focused on digging moats, massive trenches, and digging up rocks to build really useful stuff. Today, construction Men dig in order to lay foundations for buildings, and do other important stuff, like reroute rivers and bury nuclear waste.

The fact is, there are plenty of Manly reasons to dig (we haven’t even mentioned all the reasons a Man might dig a tunnel). The Mantivity score varies widely depending on which reason a Man has, but even something as simple as burying some bones for later use will get you a 1.5 (this is more often done by dogs than Men, but keep it in mind).

#28 Dunking

May 29, 2008

Basketball is typically not thought of as a contact sport. There is no “checking,” as in hockey, or “tackling,” as in football and rugby, or “beheading,” as in gladiatorial battles. There are, however, some finer details, that, although not quite as rough as the aforementioned sporting activities, are still a tad bit Manly. Setting a pick, for example, can be quite a violent experience, as can be battling Shaquille O’Neal in the low post. For this reason, basketball retains its status as a Manly form of competition (as opposed to, say, croquet, which is undoubtedly fun, but definitely not Manly).

Dunking is the most Manly of basketball moves. It involves a player denying gravity for a long enough period of time that he/she can actually elevate his hands high enough above the rim that he is able to put the ball directly through the hoop. When a player dunks, he leaves nothing to chance; he makes sure that the ball goes where he intends it, with no interference from such things as air pressure, ball spin, or Dikembe Mutombo.

Dunking derives its Manliness from two sources. The first is Man’s desire to gain altitude; the ability to dunk shows that a Man has a talent for short-term altitude gainmanship. The second source is Man’s inherent need to be a hero. When a Man dunks, he not only gains points for his team, he does so in a way that shames the opposition, inspires his teammates to play with passion, and incites any fans to a frenzied roar. If the dunk is spectacular enough, it will be remembered forever.

The Mantivity score for a single dunk ranges from 2.4 to 2.9. Bonus points can be earned for dunking over another Man, for overcoming height deficiencies or for finishing an Alley Oop pass with a dunk. If you are Yao Ming, the score for dunking is reduced to 1.0 because you are very very tall.

#21 Wearing a Hat

April 16, 2008

The hat was original developed by the Spartans as a tool of warfare – a protective piece of metal that slid over the head. The Spartans quickly recognized the obvious Manliness of this device, and began to wear it in social and professional settings. Soon afterwards, the Athenians caught on and started doing it too. It later traveled to the Ottoman Empire in 1,230 BC, and the rest is history. Today, hats come in all sorts of shapes, colors, and sizes. The manliest forms, of course, are those used in the military and in construction. However, these cannot really be worn except for when doing one of these jobs, so I will shift focus to two of the more common types of hats: “baseball” hats, and stocking caps.

Baseball hats were originally made so that baseball players could keep the sun out of their eyes. They still serve that same purpose, but now they do it for everyone, even those who obviously don’t play baseball. They also help Men show support for their favorite cause (a baseball/football team or a college).

Stocking caps keep a Man’s head warm. This is important because a Man’s brain is usually in his head, and needs to be kept warm. Stocking caps derive their Manliness from their presence in stocking yards, prisons, robberies, and old school rap videos. Subconsciously, whenever anyone sees a Man in a stocking cap, they think of one of these things.

Other types of Manly hats include: cowboy hats (note: most people look stupid in a cowboy hat, so be careful), pilot hats (if you’re a pilot), beer helmets (if you’re in college or at a football game), and more. As you can tell, most are circumstantial, and there are many, many things people put on their head that aren’t Manly hats, so be careful. The Mantivity score for wearing an appropriate hat is 2.3.

#19 Gaining Altitude

April 8, 2008

From birth, it is Man’s natural instinct to be higher than he is at the moment, and higher than all those around him. Anyone with male children can testify to boys’ insatiable desire to climb things – boulders, ladders, trees, large animals. As these boys become Men, their desire to gain altitude is refined, and reflected in more ambitious and difficult altitude-gaining Mantivities.

The most obvious of these is mountain climbing. Although not all Men are interested in mountain climbing, every Man at some point dreams of standing on top of a mountain and shouting something victorious, or perhaps urinating. Of course, the ultimate feat of altitude gaining is the climbing of Mount Everest – successfully completing this Mantivity puts a Man at near immortal status (the Mantivity score is 4.7, 4.9 if done without oxygen).

Another example of Men gaining altitude occurs in the corporate world. Here, we see the creation of large towers, whose sole purpose is to provide Men with the opportunity to gain altitude (The Male species is the only one capable of this). Once the towers are built, the highest offices with the most majestic views are taken by the most successful and powerful Men. Indeed, it is often said that a Man’s success can be judged by the size of his salaryaltitude of his office.

The list goes on, and some of these will be touched on in future posts (being a pilot, slam-dunking, being an astronaut), but before concluding this discussion, it is important to understand why Men want to gain altitude. The answer stems from the ancient times, when kings and emperors built their castles on the highest possible point, so as to make them safe from attack, and to intimidate the peasants in the valley below. Every Man secretly yearns to be a King, and Man’s desire to gain altitude stems from this ancient impulse. The Mantivity score for gaining altitude literally ranges from 0.1 to 4.9, as there are almost infinite ways to do this. Be creative!

Update: Boone pointed out to me that the third paragraph implies that a Man’s success is related to his salary. This is true only in the context of the business world. A Man’s overall success (read, Manliness) is judged by a much more extensive and complex criterion, ie has he or has he not ever killed a lion with his bare hands.

#14 Talking About Torque

March 31, 2008

To begin, let’s define the word torque. The dictionary definition is: “a vector that measures the tendency of a force to rotate an object about some axis (center). The magnitude of a torque is definedtorque-2.jpg as force times the length of the lever arm (radius).” This definition, however, is not sufficient for a discussion of Manliness, so the official Mantivities definition of torque is: “That portion of an automobile’s Manliness derived from its power, usually at least half.”

So, in layMan’s terms, torque is essentially the deciding factor of whether or not an automobile is Manly. Discussion of an automobile’s torque is thus very important for Men. When a friend buys a new truck, a Man’s first reaction is often to inquire about the torque. This is a good way for a Man to gauge whether or not his friend/acquaintance has made a Manly decision. Of course, if the friend/acquaintance says “I don’t know,” this should set off torque.jpgimmediate alarms. In real life, having plenty of torque is important for nearly every Mantivity that involves an automobile. Helping a stranger out of a ditch, towing an airplane, and straightening the leaning tower of Pisa are some examples.

The Mantivity score for talking about torque ranges from 2.0 to 2.5. The score is circumstantial, so if you are standing over the open hood of a Chevy Silverado or Ford F150, it will be higher than if you are in a furniture store talking about your wife’s new toyota prius.

#9 Refusing to Take Medicine

March 21, 2008

In the modern world, there are hundreds of different medicines offering treatments and cures for every single ailment invented. It can be confusing for a Man, figuring out what to take for what. Luckily, there is a simple, and Manly, solution: never take medicine, ever. (One Exception.)

Chances are, at some point in a Man’s life, he will get sick, and when he does, there is sure to be somebody who tells him to take medicine. If this somebody is his wife or mother, she will also make a doctor’s appointment for him, without telling him. When this happens, a Man follows a very simple procedure. For the first quarter of his illness, he must insist he is not sick, it’s just allergies, so he doesn’t need medicine and a doctor. Then, for the remaining three quarters, he must say that he was sick, but now is starting to get better, so medicine really wouldn’t* do anything. This plan never ever fails.

Some people reading this may ask, “What if a Man gets cancer? What if he gets the bubonic plague?” It is true, these are very serious diseases, but that just means that overcoming these without medicine is all that much more impressive, heroic, even. Look at it this way: getting medicine is like putting up the white flag and saying you can’t win on your own. It shows that you have been defeated, by germs/viral things, and that’s not Manly. Also, don’t ask stupid questions. The Mantivity score for refusing to take medicine is 2.3.

*Updated thanks to the sniper-like editing style of James, a Man.