Archive for the ‘4.0-4.5’ Category

#45 Being an Astronaut

March 21, 2009

Men like setting and achieving goals. Winning the tour de france seven times with one testicle is an example of a goal a Man might set. More difficult than that, however, is overcoming that age old foe of bi-peds: gravity. Let’s face it, gravity’s a bitch. Without gravity Man would be free to jump to the top of buildings for lunch, fly to Saudi Arabia for free, and skydive from the ground into a plane. Some Men get so pissed off thinking about the opportunities gravity has taken from them, that they decide to do something about it. They become Astronauts.

Besides the whole gravity thing, one of the main reasons Men become astronauts is that they get to wear super-hero like jumpsuits and they get to navigate spacecraft that Han Solo would have envied. Basically, this makes them 21st century cowboys, and cowboys rule. Man.

On top of all that, Astronauts are widely accepted as American heroes. Neil Armstrong, is the prime example of an astronaut turned luminary, but there are others as well. Take for example, Bruce Willis, who on June 1st, 1998 saved the world from impending destruction at the hands of an asteroid, and then went on to have a successful career making movies in Hollywood.

The Mantivity score for being an Astronaut is 4.1. This is assuming that you aren’t a space monkey and that you aren’t Russian. In either of those cases, your failure is so complete that you are disqualified from Manliness for life. Oh yeah, bonus points for usage of Manly astronaut phrases such as “Houston we have lift off,” “One small step for Man, one giant leap for Mankind” and “Beam me up Scotty.”


#35 Owning an Eagle

August 4, 2008

Most birds are not Manly. This is because they are usually colorful and sing cheerful songs all day long, much like the characters from Sesame Street. Eagles, however, do not meet this stereotype. Instead of behaving like a typical bird, Eagles behave more like a winged warrior, or perhaps a Pterodactyl. This is why it is Manly to own one.

When Men buy or otherwise acquire eagles, they do so for specific reasons. Sometimes, they do so because they are the captain of a ship, and with all the navigating they are doing, they do not have time to do their own fishing or to fetch their pipe, so they train their eagle to do so (Note: in pop culture, pirates own parrots. This is ridiculous. No self-respecting marauder would get a bird simply because it can annoyingly repeat the same 10 words.) Sometimes, Men buy an Eagle because they are executioners and they need the bird to fetch their axe when the time comes.

Above all else, when a Man owns an eagle, it is imperative that the Eagle sit on his shoulder when he is in public. If this does not happen, and he does something stupid like keep the Eagle in the cage in his home, then he fails – in fact, these kind of shenanigans can lead to a negative Mantivity score. Otherwise, the score is a 4.1. Note: Most Men will never have the opportunity to own an Eagle. That is fine. Other breeds of similar birds, such as hawks and falcons earn slightly lower scores.

#19 Gaining Altitude

April 8, 2008

From birth, it is Man’s natural instinct to be higher than he is at the moment, and higher than all those around him. Anyone with male children can testify to boys’ insatiable desire to climb things – boulders, ladders, trees, large animals. As these boys become Men, their desire to gain altitude is refined, and reflected in more ambitious and difficult altitude-gaining Mantivities.

The most obvious of these is mountain climbing. Although not all Men are interested in mountain climbing, every Man at some point dreams of standing on top of a mountain and shouting something victorious, or perhaps urinating. Of course, the ultimate feat of altitude gaining is the climbing of Mount Everest – successfully completing this Mantivity puts a Man at near immortal status (the Mantivity score is 4.7, 4.9 if done without oxygen).

Another example of Men gaining altitude occurs in the corporate world. Here, we see the creation of large towers, whose sole purpose is to provide Men with the opportunity to gain altitude (The Male species is the only one capable of this). Once the towers are built, the highest offices with the most majestic views are taken by the most successful and powerful Men. Indeed, it is often said that a Man’s success can be judged by the size of his salaryaltitude of his office.

The list goes on, and some of these will be touched on in future posts (being a pilot, slam-dunking, being an astronaut), but before concluding this discussion, it is important to understand why Men want to gain altitude. The answer stems from the ancient times, when kings and emperors built their castles on the highest possible point, so as to make them safe from attack, and to intimidate the peasants in the valley below. Every Man secretly yearns to be a King, and Man’s desire to gain altitude stems from this ancient impulse. The Mantivity score for gaining altitude literally ranges from 0.1 to 4.9, as there are almost infinite ways to do this. Be creative!

Update: Boone pointed out to me that the third paragraph implies that a Man’s success is related to his salary. This is true only in the context of the business world. A Man’s overall success (read, Manliness) is judged by a much more extensive and complex criterion, ie has he or has he not ever killed a lion with his bare hands.

#12 Bar Fights

March 29, 2008

So you’re in a bar, drinking liquid glory from a frosted mug. The guy behind you says he usually roots for Russia in the Olympics, because his parents were Russian immigrants. Naturally, this upsets you; however, you are very content drinking delicious PBR and talking to the beautiful girl next to you. What do you do?

One of Man’s most primordial instincts is to punch with his fists things he doesn’t like. That is the reaction most Men have, for example, when they see things like this. This instinct is heightened in the Manly bar environment. Here there is cursing, drinking, and billiards, so it is natural for a Man to be ready to fight at a moment’s notice.

For a bar fight to be truly Manly, several things must happen. First, someone must be thrown on a table. Then, a bottle must be broken (with an implied threat of using the jagged edges as a weapon). Finally, the bar tender must pull out a shotgun and yell something like “Alright, that’s enough!” at which point the fight moves outside and then ends. If all three of these things happen, then the Mantivity score for being involved in the bar fight is 4.1. Note: It is expected that you walk away from the fight with a bruise/scar that remains for at least two weeks, so you can tell co-workers that you got the scar defending America in a bar fight. If this is not the case, the score falls to 3.4.

So to answer the question posed earlier: you stand up, down your mug of beer, kiss the girl you were talking to, and then you punch the commie in the face (it might be polite to tell him you are going to do so first – nobody likes a sucker punch, even if the target is a commie).