Archive for the ‘Profiles’ Category

Profiles in Manliness: Joe the Plumber

January 4, 2009

“Profiles in Manliness” is a special feature in which we celebrate some of the Manliest members of society.

During a major election year, public discourse becomes centered on national politics. It’s up to public leaders and candidates to speak directly to the American people about the major issues affecting Mankind, hopefully in moments like this.

However, every election season, someone emerges that surprises the nation, speaking to the problems and dreams of many Americans. This year, one Man rose to that challenge:  Joseph Wurzelbacher, commonly referred to as “Joe the Plumber”.800px-samuel_joseph_wurzelbacher

Joe captivated a nation when he publicly confronted Barack Obama about his slight increase in marginal tax rates for small business owners making 250,000 a year or more. Regular Americans, making nowhere near 250,000 a year, looked past his pathetically misguided support for the Ohio State Buckeyes and heralded Joe the Plumber a Man of the people (Manly). Its more Manly to stick to your guns and state over and over again that higher tax rates are simply unAmerican, especially when the other explanation uses erroneous and left-wing devices like data and evidence.

Joe was also a Man because his profession. Joe was a plumber, but even more Manly, he wasn’t actually a plumber. This is a rich tradition in Manliness—acting without instructions or formal training to complete Manly tasks, whether its plumbing, fixing your car, or killing every terrorist on your plane and saving your family.

Joe became an American icon in one media moment—a Carhartt wearing, untrained professional plumber with dogs. Despite Joe being a raging idiot in many ways, he was undoubtedly, a Man. For that, Joe the Plumber, we salute you.

Profiles in Manliness: Steve Irwin

June 14, 2008

“Profiles in Manliness” is a special feature in which we celebrate some of the Manliest members of society.

For his honeymoon, Steve Irwin took his wife crocodile hunting. On his sixth birthday, he was given a 12-foot scrub python. Steve’s name is Steve. In this profile in Manliness, we celebrate a Man whose life was tragically shortened but set a bar to help guide all Men.

IrwinSteve Irwin was born in Australia to parents who ran a reptile park. Steve grew up feeding the lizards, playing tag with the crocodiles, and practicing his wrestling abilities with giant komodo dragons. Eventually, Steve took over the park, dabbled in filming nature series, and soon became world-renowned for his ridiculous outfit, the phrase “Crikey!”, and his fearless assaults upon alligators and crocodiles across planet earth. It is extraordinarily Manly to wrestle an alligator while explaining the most effective techniques for defeating the ferocious animal to your loyal viewers. The explanation-during-execution standard applies to other Manly things, exhibited clearly by the television program “This Old House”.

Steve spent a lot of his time and money working to save the environment. As discussed earlier, sometimes it is a Man’s duty to burn fossil fuels and cut natural things down. Its not inherently Manly to destroy the environment, nor is it inherently Manly to protect it. Steve just happened to be really into wrestling ferocious things and if Men wiped out all these animals, Steve would be without a hobby. As such, Steve’s conservation efforts were guided by self-interest and not by a weakness for cute rabbits or something.

Unfortunately, Steve was lost doing what he loved. Steve was swimming off the Great Barrier Reef during filming for a likely awesome series on wrestling things that would kill the unManly, and as he approached a stingray, the animal sent its barbed tail directly through his heart. Even though Steve pulled the barb out his heart (Manly), it was too late and the world lost a fearless Man. Steve Irwin, we salute you.

Profiles in Manliness: Abraham Lincoln

April 15, 2008

“Profiles in Manliness” is a special feature in which we celebrate some of the Manliest members of society.

It is almost certain that were he alive today, Abraham Lincoln would not stand a chance of becoming president. His humble beginnings, his unfailing honesty, and his horrific sense of style all ensure that he would have no place in the modern world of politics. That, however, does not change this indisputable fact: Abraham Lincoln is one of the Manliest Men ever to walk earth.

Abe Lincoln, Man

Abe’s childhood began in a single room log cabin. It consisted of hard manual labor, wrestling with bulls, and a lot of books, which he taught himself to read by slamming them against his forehead. This is a Manly start; few Men-in-training are skilled with an axe by the age of 12. During this time, Abe reached his Manly stature – in today’s measurements, he would be about 7’8”, slightly taller than this creature. Using historical documents, Abe has been diagnosed as clinically depressed for a majority of his lifetime.

In 1860, Abraham Lincoln was elected to the presidency of the United States of America. This will be explained more thoroughly in a future post, but being the President is a fairly high-scoring Mantivity, as a result of the patriotism and testosterone needed to achieve that office. When Abe took the wheel, the nation was bitterly divided. Faced with self-absorbed politicians, alcoholic generals, and a grumpy wife, Abe was a true leader and held the country together with his own two hands. He did all this despite the presence of a grizzly and intimidating beard on his face.

As president, Abraham Lincoln set America on the course to end slavery (Mantivity); he delivered speeches that would define a nation (Mantivity), and shortly after being re-elected for a second term, Abe was assassinated. The combination of a lifetime of Manly service, an unmatched knowledge of axe handling technique, and a heroic and tragic death make Abe Lincoln a Man for the ages. President Lincoln, we salute you.

Profiles in Manliness: Brett Favre

March 27, 2008

“Profiles in Manliness” is a special feature in which we celebrate some of the Manliest members of society.

Brett Favre was born in Gulfport, Mississippi on October 10, 1969. As a newborn, Brett was 6′ 2″ and 205 pounds. There has been some evidence that suggests that the mother of Brett Favre was actually a virgin at the time of birth. But what defines Favre as a Man of note, is his career as one of the greatest quarterbacks in the history of the greatest game on earth.

Brett Favre attended the University of Southern Mississippi, where he was a four year starter at the quarterback position. He obtained a B.A. in the dual major of Manliness and female anatomy. Favre eventually made his way to the Green Bay Packers football team, where, after the fourth game of the 1992 season, he started every game until his retirement at the end of the 2007 season. The number of records Brett Favre has shattered is 954, the most notable being Pass Length, a record he broke when he threw a ball 6,714 yards, striking John Madden directly in the head. This fact explains many things.

Besides eclipsing records, Brett Favre has also broken every rib twice, his thumbs four times, and his entire left leg has been shattered by a truck. Not once did he miss a game due his gruesome injuries, nor did he ever take any type of medication for his pain. Brett Favre actually wears Wrangler jeans while playing and drinks beer instead of Gatorade on the sidelines. He rarely ever shaves, and keeps facial hair length at the appropriate level for ruggedness.

Temperatures at Lambeau Field can drop to negative 300 degrees Celsius in September, but this has not been a problem due to the highly contagious nature of Favre’s Manliness. There is little doubt that Favre is an American hero and his Man-legacy will live on far beyond the years he graces us with his presence. Brett Favre, we salute you.