Archive for the ‘Sports’ Category

#39 Snowmobiling

November 15, 2008

Men have many options when it comes to spending leisure time. They can shoot animals, get in a bar fight, or not do anything at all. These options, however, become much more limited when a Man finds himself in North Pole, Alaska. In this case a Man must adapt. Thus, Men have invented the snowmobile.

The snowmobile is propelled by a continuous track in the rear, and it is steered by two skis in the front. In this way it is kind of like a mix between a tank and a skiing bear. The end result is an extremely fast, loud, powerful machine that disturbs wildlife and disrupts the tranquility of the great outdoors. It is somewhat similar to a jet ski, except you don’t look like a douche bag when you use it. In fact, you really look like an astronaut. Awesome.

Men love snowmobiling because it is fun, dangerous, and the principal mode of transportation in Canada. The Mantivity score for a day-long snowmobiling excursion is 2.3. This does not include the other Mantivities that will undoubtedly occur on said excursion (ie urinating outside, talking about torque, starting a fire). The Mantivity score for winning a snowmobiling contest of some sort begins at 3.1, and can be as high as 4.0 for winning the Tesoro Iron Dog.

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#36 Tailgating

September 5, 2008

Ceremonies are important parts of a Man’s life. Sometimes, Men need to prepare for these ceremonies by drinking beer, grilling meat, and shouting indiscernible things at people wearing what is deemed the “wrong” color. In modern times, this series of events has developed a name—Tailgating. However, Men everywhere know that this timeless tradition dates back to the time of Crogmanon Man, who would prepare for bi-weekly Wooly Mammoth hunts by stabbing himself with hot iron spearheads and throwing rocks at the inferior Neanderthals. Direct evidence of this evolution can be found at college campuses during rivalry week.

Tailgates allow a Man to drink, eat unhealthy (Manly) foods, and act like a general idiot alongside his companions. Most of the time, tailgates occur as a lead-up to important sporting events, especially football. This is appropriate and society accepts it as such. However, if shielded from society’s scorn, Men would tailgate before 3rd grade soccer games, high school graduation ceremonies, and funerals.

It is important to adhere to a strict code of conduct during these tailgates. The host of the tailgate should provide food and beverage to the guests, who can be old friends or passer-bys that happen to be wearing the right color for the upcoming ceremony. (In the case of a funeral tail-gate, indiscernible shouting should occur in the general direction of those wearing white or pink. Beers should be distributed to those in black.) Above all else, it is important that the tailgate not forget its ultimate objective:  preparation for the ceremony occuring after the tailgate—tailgates lacking purpose lose tailgate status. But hanging around for no reason, grilling, and drinking is a Mantivity all on it’s own.

A well-thought out tailgate, with sufficient food and beverage, and the appropriate level of intensity and enthusiasm for the upcoming ceremony receives a Mantivity score of 3.7. Bonus points are earned if this is who shows up at your tailgate.

#28 Dunking

May 29, 2008

Basketball is typically not thought of as a contact sport. There is no “checking,” as in hockey, or “tackling,” as in football and rugby, or “beheading,” as in gladiatorial battles. There are, however, some finer details, that, although not quite as rough as the aforementioned sporting activities, are still a tad bit Manly. Setting a pick, for example, can be quite a violent experience, as can be battling Shaquille O’Neal in the low post. For this reason, basketball retains its status as a Manly form of competition (as opposed to, say, croquet, which is undoubtedly fun, but definitely not Manly).

Dunking is the most Manly of basketball moves. It involves a player denying gravity for a long enough period of time that he/she can actually elevate his hands high enough above the rim that he is able to put the ball directly through the hoop. When a player dunks, he leaves nothing to chance; he makes sure that the ball goes where he intends it, with no interference from such things as air pressure, ball spin, or Dikembe Mutombo.

Dunking derives its Manliness from two sources. The first is Man’s desire to gain altitude; the ability to dunk shows that a Man has a talent for short-term altitude gainmanship. The second source is Man’s inherent need to be a hero. When a Man dunks, he not only gains points for his team, he does so in a way that shames the opposition, inspires his teammates to play with passion, and incites any fans to a frenzied roar. If the dunk is spectacular enough, it will be remembered forever.

The Mantivity score for a single dunk ranges from 2.4 to 2.9. Bonus points can be earned for dunking over another Man, for overcoming height deficiencies or for finishing an Alley Oop pass with a dunk. If you are Yao Ming, the score for dunking is reduced to 1.0 because you are very very tall.

#18 Flyfishing

April 6, 2008

It takes a special kind of fisherMan to fly-fish. It requires patience, precision, and vigilance. Fly fishing sometimes takes countless hours and a great deal of accurate casts to finally land a bite, but it is at that moment, when a Man proves his worth. Some people would call fly fishing boring. These people are idiots.

Fly rods are incredibly responsive pieces of equipment that require exact strength at the moment when the 300 pound steelhead hits the lure. Fly fishing typically takes place in shallow rivers such as this, though some fly fishing equipment can be used in offshore fishing (future post). Common targets of a fly fisherMen are trout, salmon, and various forms of bass. First invented 1.2 million years ago, fly-fishing is one of the most ancient forms of Man-fishing, second only to standing right above waterfalls and just clawing the SOBs out of the air, like polar bears do. Flyfishing is almost always passed down from father (Man) to son (Man). It is from a Man’s father that he learns how to properly wear ugly vests with pockets full of man-tools, necessary fly fishing attire.

Fly fishing earns a 2.8 Mantivity score. Of course, this is a bottomline assessment and it can only rise with location, target fish, and with any acrobatic feats required for the landing of the fish. Serious bonus points are earned when a Man guts, grills, and eats the fish that he catches.

#15 Being the Coach

April 2, 2008

Have you ever seen a person alone on a football field on a hot summer day, and asked yourself what in God’s great glory would cause a person to run 50 yards back and forth until he throws up, has a heat stroke, and breaks his femur? Rhetorical question, the answer is obvious. The Coach.

Becoming a Coach instantly transforms a person into one of society’s most revered figures. The coach is a leader and an expert; a mentor and a tyrant. He always holds a clipboard, but never looks at it. He has a hat that is at least 50 years old. His wife is, surprisingly, really nice.

To be a coach, a Man must be capable of doing several things. He must be able to make other men cry – whether he does this through loads of shouting and cursing, or through subtle psychological attacks is the Man’s choice. He must be able to spit several times a minute. He must be able to convince everyone that he was once the greatest athlete alive, but was forced out by some unforeseen circumstance (ie gruesome injury, went to Nam).

Once a man becomes a coach, he is a new person. If his name was Richard Longbottom, he is no longer called Rich, Richard, or Mr. Longbottom, he is now Coach Dick or Coach L to everyone – even his wife. He must never smile (one exception.) He is also now prepared to answer any life question about anything, and usually with a story that includes his experience in the war, or the time he went up against Dick Butkus when he was at Illinois.

The Mantivity score for being a coach ranges depending on sport. The manliest sport to coach is Football, followed closely by hockey. The score for football is 3.1, 3.3 if your name includes a Manly animal species (Bear, Wolf, Lion).

#8 Watching the Game

March 20, 2008

Sports are an important part of every Man’s life. They should be taken very seriously. Any heartbreaking loss for a Man’s favorite team can completely debilitate him. There are only a few moments when Men are allowed to cry, but this is one of them. Given the proper athletic circumstances, shedding a few tears is not frowned upon and can be an essential part of the healing process, which should last through the offseason.

Watching the game is a crucial bonding experience between Men. They gather together moments before the start of the sporting event, crack open a beer, and find a good seat. The preferred location is at another Man’s house, who, unless he’s a woman, has a large television, a superior sound system, and plenty of supplies. Sports bars are acceptable also, but still secondary to the inexpensive and more comfortable use of your fellow Man’s home.

This is a sacred time in a Man’s life, which means women are not in the room (unless they are true fans). Women are obviously welcome to pass through and carry stray dishes with them on their journey. However, questions like “Who is playing?” are not encouraged and should only be answered by the Man associated with said woman. Conversation during gameplay is confined to the topics of the game itself, the nature of that particular season, and certain sideline reporters.

The Mantivity rating of watching the game is high, as it an essential part of any Man’s life. The score ranges from 3.0 to 3.3, depending on the room you are watching it in, how many Men are watching with you, and the type of beer you are all drinking. However, significant bonus points can be gained if your favorite team is victorious, particularly if the game is close.

#3 Slap Shots

March 15, 2008

Let’s face it, Hockey is a Manly sport. It is played in the cold. A vast majority of its best players have beards. A main feature of the sport is fist fights. Despite all this, however, many hockey players are trying to reduce the Manliness of the sport by passing too much, wearing protective gear on their faces, and taking a lot of pussy-willow finesse shots. This is not what hockey needs.

Slaps shots, the proud technique developed in a Russian laboratory and perfected by Russ Tyler, are the Manliest of goal scoring attempts. If done correctly, they produce a win-win situation: you will either succeed in scoring a goal, or, better yet, you will knock the teeth out of that dumb-ass goalie who didn’t wear a mouth guard. This will cause the opposing team to put in their back-up, who is also Taylor Hanson, and therefore very bad at hockey. Because of your Manly heroism, your team is guaranteed a win. Nice work.

A good slap shot receives a 2.7 Mantivity score. It does not matter whether or not it goes in, the fact that you are taking it shows that you are a Man. For this reason, it is recommended that you take slap shots whenever you get the puck. Although your teammates will hate you, you will be more of a Man. (As you will find, part of being truly Manly is being hated by other, less Manly humans.)