Archive for the ‘Tools’ Category

#39 Snowmobiling

November 15, 2008

Men have many options when it comes to spending leisure time. They can shoot animals, get in a bar fight, or not do anything at all. These options, however, become much more limited when a Man finds himself in North Pole, Alaska. In this case a Man must adapt. Thus, Men have invented the snowmobile.

The snowmobile is propelled by a continuous track in the rear, and it is steered by two skis in the front. In this way it is kind of like a mix between a tank and a skiing bear. The end result is an extremely fast, loud, powerful machine that disturbs wildlife and disrupts the tranquility of the great outdoors. It is somewhat similar to a jet ski, except you don’t look like a douche bag when you use it. In fact, you really look like an astronaut. Awesome.

Men love snowmobiling because it is fun, dangerous, and the principal mode of transportation in Canada. The Mantivity score for a day-long snowmobiling excursion is 2.3. This does not include the other Mantivities that will undoubtedly occur on said excursion (ie urinating outside, talking about torque, starting a fire). The Mantivity score for winning a snowmobiling contest of some sort begins at 3.1, and can be as high as 4.0 for winning the Tesoro Iron Dog.

#26 Mowing the Lawn

May 13, 2008

One of the Manliest smells in the world is the combination of fresh cut grass and gasoline. Recent studies at Harvard and Yale have determined that this aroma mixture actually increases the chemical balance of testosterone in any Man lucky enough to smell it. Mowing the lawn is a timeless Mantivity, dating back to the era of caveMen, when maintaining a neatly trimmed front-lawn let ferocious animals know that a Man resided in that cave. These creatures understood that they risked certain-death by attempting to settle in a Man’s cave.

Today, mowing the lawn is a simpler task. At least once a week, usually on Saturday, a Man should head out to his garage and fire up his 2-cycle, gasoline-engine mower and take care of his yard. Using a riding mower is only Manly if the lawn is over one acre in size. Beware of any electrical mower, which, unless it’s solar powered, requires the use of extension cords and is thus practically vacuuming. This is inappropriate and unManly. A Man’s first lawn mower is important and should be passed down from father to son around the age of 13, when a Man-in-training assumes his father’s lawn mowing duties, usually for about two dollars an hour, the minimum wage in Mississippi.

Obviously, there are Men who aren’t lucky enough to have a lawn because they live in urban areas, in deserts, or on aircraft carriers. Yet these Men undoubtedly understand the Manly nature of mowing the lawn. Women think it smells bad, it is conducted outdoors, and it burns a fossil fuel. Mowing the lawn earns a 3.2 Mantivity score. The score decreases for using the environmentally friendly push mower, a vacuum-style electric mower, or a riding mower for less than one acre (note: serious bonus points for using a Machete. Or a Chainsaw). Next time you see a Man mowing a lawn, be sure to give him a nod of recognition. Nothing more is required to celebrate the Mantivity you both know he is undertaking.

#22 Speaking Over the Intercom

April 22, 2008

“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain speaking.” Almost all of us have experienced this moment; the moment a Man, using one of the most explosive substances on the planet, flies a 34 ton piece of aluminum, 35,000 feet above the ground, and tells us about it with an icy cool. Few Men get the opportunity to come over an intercom system, but when that chance arrives, they should know they are in good company.

Manly uses of an intercom system include a pilot on commercial airlines, a stadium announcer at a sporting event, and inspiring speeches right before the largest aerial battle in the history of Mankind. The proper etiquette for intercom use is paramount, as improper use can result in the disintegration of the Mantivity status associated with this activity. Men should have a natural non-chalance and confidence in their voice that both relaxes those in its range yet inspires them to believe. Men shall not use the intercom with seriously varying levels of vocal inflection, nor shall they be anything but short and to the point; talking to much over the intercom detracts from the overall Mantivity rating.

A man comes over an intercom and says “the local time is 3:52 in the afternoon, temperature is 42 degrees; we hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago”, or “eight yards gained on the play, first down”. If the Man adheres to proper etiquette then the Mantivity rating for speaking over the intercom is 3.2. Men should be wary of saying unManly things when using an intercom, they become exponentially more public and thus, even more unManly. Do not, under any circumstances, sing Sir Mix-a-lot over the intercom, for this is childish and rude.

#17 Chainsawing

April 3, 2008

chainsawing.jpgThis is a situation that every Man faces at some point in life: you are driving down a road in the forest, perhaps searching for goldbeer, when you come across a fallen tree that has blocked the pathway. At this point, a Man has three options. He can: A) Give up, and return to his lame, beerless life B) build a ramp, and attempt to jump the tree, or C) Chainsaw.

Of course, a Man will choose option C eleven times out of twelve (and he will die in a horrible tree jumping accident one time out of twelve). By doing this, he can continue his search for beer, impress the girls in the back of his Silverado, and, most importantly, complete a kick ass Mantivity. Chainsawing is the pinnacle of Manly ruggedness; its usage is both violent and beautiful, for while a Man can use it to destroy, he can also use it to create. The noise it emits, while violent and frightening to the typical ear, is glorious music to a Man (See Dupre, Jesse James, of Jackyl).

Using a chainsaw is, of course, dangerous. A wrong cut can lead to lost limbs and other horrible accidents. As a general rule for any Manitvity, danger only increases the Mantivity score, and in this case, it also adds an element of excitement to the chainsawing excursion. Nonetheless, as not having limbs reduces the opportunities to be Manly, we recommend the following: that a Man make sure his saw is well oiled before usage, that the Man wears goggles, gloves, orange clothes, and a cup, and that he uses proper technique, especially when felling a tree.

The Mantivity score for chainsawing is 3.2 for a single chainsaw event, up to 3.7 for more extended usage, such as clearing large swaths of the untamed wilderness. Also, if a Man plays his cards right, he can end up chainsawing for a living, either as a lumberjack (future post), a park ranger (future post), a chainsaw artist, or a firefighter in the national forest service. These are obviously very Manly employment opportunities, and should be pursued with all possible fervor.

#11 Launching Rockets

March 27, 2008

Invented during the 13th century, somewhere near the region we today call Latvia, the rocket launcher is a Man tool that has been both praised and admonished by society for its startling effectiveness in helping Men launch rockets. The typical rocket launcher is small enough so that it can be hoisted onto the shoulder of a Man, yet large enough so that a Man can use it to bludgeon aliens to death with it, if need be.

Like any Man tool, rocket launchers can do great good when in the hands of a true Man, but great evil when in the hands of a coward. This is because after the rockets have been launched, they streak towards their targets at 1,000,000 miles per hour, and then explode on contact – an effective means of target eradication. The important thing with this tool, therefore, is what exactly the target is. If the target is Hitler, then the Man tool has been used properly. If the target is a school bus, then the Man tool has been gravely misused, unless Hitler is the only passenger of the bus.

Rocket launchers can be pricey, so if you do not have the money, we recommend stealing one from your nearest Cold War arms stash. While you are there pick up a nuclear bomb – those can come in handy. The Mantivity score for launching rockets is 3.6, assuming you are fighting against the forces of evil. If your rockets are heat-seaking, the score is 3.8. Let’s blow some shit up.

#4 Sledgehammering

March 16, 2008

Of all Man-tools, the sledgehammer is one of the Manliest. The length of the tool can vary, but it is always thick and top-heavy. A sledgehammer is usually used to destroy things or to drive stakes into the ground. This means that a sledgehammer is used in situations that were Manly even before its introduction. That is bonus points.

Sledgehammers can be found at construction sites, campsites, and riots against Communism. During its actual use, it is important that bystanders step back, due to its swing diameter and any erupting debris. Having a group of people watching at a safe distance as you perform a Mantivity is additional points for the Mantivity rating. In Man legends, the sledgehammer doubled as both a tool and as a powerful weapon. Man heroes across history have depended on the sledgehammer to inflict great damage on the forces of evil.

Since the sledgehammer’s invention, Men have relied on it for breaking concrete, driving in tent stakes, and for laying railroad tracks. Anytime a sledgehammer has to be used, it should be dealt with in a certain way. If it is for destructive purposes (recommended), other Men at the same location should stop their related tasks to observe and comment on both the technique of the Man using the sledgehammer, and on how downright awesome it is to see stuff being destroyed.

The Mantivity score for using a sledgehammer varies slightly based on the site location, the size of the sledgehammer, and what is being destroyed or driven into the ground. The score ranges from 3.5 to 3.75.