Archive for the ‘Value-Added’ Category

#48 Wearing Armor

October 27, 2011

In the typical week of an average man, he will come face to face with a Mastadon, rescue a baby from a burning building, and overcome a terrorist attempt to hijack his presidential airplane.  In general, a Man will not be intimidated or fazed by the peril in which he finds himself on a daily basis, and will be glad that he does not spend his days knitting or ironing underwear.  Nonetheless, being cool headed as he is, a Man recognizes that there is a certain danger that comes with the territory, and thus he will take measures to ensure that if all does not go according to plan, he will live to see another day.  Wearing armor is one of the top five ways to do this, and maybe top three depending on where you stand on cryonics.

Armor comes in a variety of shapes and sizes.  Its most basic form is a tunic that fits over the torso, made out of a sturdy material such as iron or Kevlar.  From there it can be targeted to protect a Man from certain risks.  Some types of Armor, for example, are designed to protect a Man from gunfire.  Others are more helpful against barbarians.  There is even a type of armor, made out of latex, that protects a Man from perhaps the greatest threat of all.

Since there is so much variation in armor and its uses, there is no single score for wearing armor.  In fact, armor is generally a value added Mantivity.  If, for example, you are Commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions,and loyal servant to the true emperor, and happen to be in the midst of getting your vengeance, wearing armor boosts your score from 4.6 to 4.8.  If you are quarterback for the Cleveland Browns, and you are wearing armor so that you will be able to walk after inevitably getting sacked nine times in a game, your score goes from a 3.3 to a 3.6 [Ed. Note: playing professional football, even for the Browns, is a solid Mantivity].

There are some important exemptions and exceptions to this Mantivity.  For starters, no, “Under Armour” does not count as armor and should not be worn except, well, under armor (looking at you, douche bag).  Secondly, it is sometimes a Mantivity not to wear armor when it would otherwise be expected.  Rugby players, for example, score bonus Mantivity points because they don’t wear armor.*  In general however, sporting something like this, even in a casual setting, is the way to go.

*The rule of thumb for not wearing armor is that, if the only reason you would wear armor to do a given activity is to prevent pain, and not to protect your life, then not wearing armor is a Mantivity.